4
| News |

Westword's holiday safety tips you can actually use

^
Keep Westword Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Denver and help keep the future of Westword free.

Last week, the fine folks at the Denver Police Department sent us some handy-dandy shopping tips for us to pass along to readers to "assure their personal safety and an enjoyable holiday season."

But while things like locking the car and avoiding secluded areas seem like they might work well in some candy cane, Jingle Bells, happy-slappy fantasy land, we felt that Westword should come up with a list that real people could use. Get educated after the jump. -- Jared Jacang Maher

Westword's Holiday Safety Tips

Fake a Limp: Fool criminals into thinking you're injured. Then, pounce.

Use Credit Cards Safely: Store your credit cards in an open, well-lit space.

Don't Be Seen Buying: Instead, conceal products under your clothing and sneak from the store.

Flaunt Your Money: Potential thieves will be turned off by your arrogance and leave you alone.

Teach Kids Not to Talk to Strangers: Particularly police officers, social service workers, debt collectors and Dollar Store management.

Keep Valuables Safe in a Fanny Pack: Seriously, it'd be hilarious.

Protect Your PIN Number: Cup your free hand over the keypad like a paranoid jackass.

Wear Comfortable Clothing: Avoid dangerous chafing with a crotchless Santa suit.

Deal With Criminals Yourself: Nobody likes a tattletale.

Be Smart Online: Purchase your Russian rape porn only from trusted websites.

Be Wary of Panhandlers: $700 billion in government bailout money has only fed their addiction.

Stay on the Offensive: Carry a laptop and webcam on all outings; threaten to blog about any misdeeds.

For God's Sake, Run!: They're gaining on you!

Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.

 

Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.