Audio By Carbonatix
This past Saturday, a column appeared in the Rocky Mountain News under the headline “At ‘Westword,’ the sh— must go on.” The piece was penned by a balding man named Dave Kopel, and the two dashes in the headline weren’t referring to “show.” No, Kopel was citing our rag’s predilection for bawdy, often fescennine language. And then the high-foreheaded chap went on to single out a writer by the name of Adam Clayton-Holland, pointing out his repeated use of the word “shit” in a recent column on the current shittiness of local sports, noting that “Clayton-Holland’s article exemplifies a broader problem with Westword,” and then concluding: “Westword writers too often use four-letter words and cynical malice as a substitute for, rather than a supplement to, interesting ideas.”
And for his remarkable insight into the problems at this paper, to Dave Kopel, I say “Thank you.” Shit yeah cunt fuck ass thank you. For too long, this Adam Clayton-Holland has been allowed to run amok through our fine publication’s pages, haphazardly scribbling whatever swear word or strange sex move is de rigueur that hour in a cheap, vulgar attempt to placate the lowest common denominator. Kopel, you Benjamin Franklin-looking sage, you, I cannot tell you the number of times I have gone to my editors, pleading for them to dismiss this Clayton-Holland rube post-haste. Shit fuck ass, I’ve done it a lot.
“People are getting confused,” I tell them. “Having a writer on staff named Adam Cayton-Holland, who is honest, diligent and upright, and then having one named Adam Clayton-Holland, who wallows in the English language like it’s his private bacchanalian orgy, is sure to disorient readers.”
But they never heed my requests.
“People love his dick jokes,” they always tell me. “People love his dick jokes.”
Do you have any idea what it’s like for me to have to go through life with this foul-mouthed albatross hanging around my neck, Dave Kopel? I introduce myself and people recoil in horror. I’m not Adam Clayton-Holland, I tell them, I’m Adam Cayton-Holland; Adam Clayton-Holland is merely a similarly named co-worker with a propensity for potty humor. But no one ever believes it. They think we’re one and the same. And then I’m left standing alone in the corner, sad and pathetic, like some waxy-domed columnist in a crappy blazer. It’s depressing, and it has gone on for far too long. So again, thank you, Dave Kopel, director of research at the Independence Institute, for using your superior research skills to get beyond the similarities in our names and recognize that Adam Cayton-Holland and Adam Clayton-Holland are two very different people, one of whom must be fired immediately.
Finally! An “interesting” idea!
