Why Trump Should Buy Greenland, Colorado

Trump might be in over his head buying the real Greenland...but there is a Colorado alternative.
Trump might be in over his head buying the real Greenland...but there is a Colorado alternative. Marvin Moose at Flickr
So it looks like Trump’s idea of buying the autonomous Danish territory of Greenland isn’t going to pan out —mainly because it’s not for sale. This might well be a foreign concept to Trump, who’s lived a life that’s suggested that everything is available for a price: New York City high-rises, a television career, the presidency of the United States. But not Greenland. Denmark already called dibs, and the rules of dibs — even on a geopolitical scale — are strict.

But if Trump can’t buy Greenland from the Danes, maybe he should just buy our Greenland. Once a major railroad hub surrounded by cattle operations on the route between Denver and Colorado City, the town of Greenland and the 21,000 acres around it are now part of a conservation easement made possible by cable magnate John Malone, along with Douglas County and Colorado Lottery funds.

But what's done can be undone. Here are a few very good reasons why the leader of the free world should consider acquiring Greenland, Colorado.

The Real Greenland Is Socialist
Citizens of the self-governing Greenland enjoy free health care, free public education and even a government pension. By comparison, Greenland, Colorado, is ripe for economic plunder; it doesn’t really exist as a community anymore, since its U.S. Post Office closed in 1959. It does still boast a single exit off of I-25, though, and you know what they say in the real estate game: The positive side of a distressed property is its unlimited potential.

Trump Wouldn’t Have to Expand His Language Skills
If he buys Greenland, Colorado, Trump wouldn’t have to learn Greenlandic, which has four distinct dialects. Or Danish, for that matter, since again, the Kingdom of Denmark owns the island and doesn’t seem to want to give it up. Not that anyone really thinks Trump would bother to learn another language before he’s really mastered English, but even in his native language, he wouldn’t have to learn — much less risk misusing — terms like “archipelago” or “fjord” or “Inuit.” Then again, it’s possible that Trump has already been learning an obscure dialect of Greenlandic, and “covfefe” is the Twitter-space proof.

It’s Close to the Renaissance Festival in Larkspur
And Trump is pretty much a fan of everything that the Renaissance Festival has to offer: a false economy, sexual harassment, the celebration of an authoritarian regime complete with a class structure that explicitly relies on the subjugation of the working class for the ever-increasing enrichment of the hierarchy. Oh, and turkey legs.

Climate Science Denial Has a (Slightly) Longer Shelf Life in Colorado... least as compared to Greenland, which is pretty much ground zero for the climate change argument. Most of its land mass is covered with ice — or so it’s been for this history of mankind — and the meltwater from global warming is (according to a CNN report from 2017) the largest contributor to global sea level rise. Of course, it’s entirely possible that Trump’s reasoning behind climate change denial is to ruin the coastal cities and drive real estate prices up inland, where the “new” coasts will be — perhaps another reason to buy land in Colorado. This, by the way, was supervillain Lex Luthor’s plan in the first Superman movie, too; sadly, Obama can’t fly backward around the globe at super speed in order to turn back time. More’s the pity.

Greenland, Colorado: Site of the Trump Presidential Library
Trump’s presidential library is likely to be a library in name only, remarkable primarily for being the first of its kind to have no books whatsoever in it: just a wall of televisions, all of them running The Apprentice reruns, except one screen right in the center that plays his greatest hits from the Fox Network. And a whole lot of Trump paintings bought with money meant for charity, which is apparently something that Evangelicals now love more than Jesus.

Size Might Be an Issue
Trump might be thinking — if he looks at a map — that Greenland is huge. But that’s because of the way we draw a flat map of the globe using what we call the Mercator projection: Things become distorted. So Greenland often looks about the size of Africa, when in reality Africa is nearly fifteen times larger than Greenland. Granted, President Trump is rarely limited by things like objective truth and reality, and he’s got a lot of experience at overestimating things like crowd sizes and any sort of data, so this is a relatively minor point.

Trump Can Say He Did It
“I never said I wanted to buy Greenland from Denmark,” Trump could yell at his rallies. “This was always the Greenland I wanted.” To which his crowd could start chanting derogatory things about Denmark and islands and, of course, Hillary Clinton.
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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen