August 10, 1984 is a date that will live in infamy.
On that fateful morning, twenty-five years ago today, the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by air and ground forces of the Soviet Union.
The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of the Soviet Union and its allies in Central America, was still in conversation with those governments looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Western World. And yet, on the morning of August 10, these aggressor nations launched a large and coordinated strike against the people and property of the United States of America.
The attack, using Communist infiltrators from Mexico, Cuban military forces, Soviet Spetznaz commandos air-dropped by disguised commercial airliners and limited nuclear devices, caused severe damage to American civilians and military forces. And all might have been lost in those dark days if not for a few young Hollywood actors who (for some reason) were studying anonymously at a small high school in Calumet, Colorado (apparently). These seven brave men and women were organized and led by the great American hero, Patrick Swayze, who led them into the Arapahoe National Forest where, owing to their extensive Method training, they were able to sit around eating beans, wearing cool black Special Forces berets, and kick the living crap out of the entire combined Soviet and Cuban armies pretty much single-handed.
Though failing to rescue fellow actor Harry Dean Stanton who was being held in a Communist re-education camp on the outskirts of Calumet, the "Wolverines" (named after the Calumet High School drama society mascot) did manage to personally secure the entire Rocky Mountain region in the Winter of 1984-5. And while the official record states that the Wolverines always acted as a coordinated band of paramilitary partisans, staging hit-and-run attacks on Soviet personnel and military emplacements, recent historical data has come to light suggesting that the overwhelming majority of these attacks were carried out personally by Swayze himself -- who would go out in the night, naked and greased up with badger fat, to wreak havoc behind enemy lines and challenge Soviet military personnel to sexy dance-offs while the rest of the Wolverines stayed behind at camp, practicing their angry sneers, desperately trying to contact their personal assistants and weeping.
Historical arguments aside, it is on this day -- the twenty-fifth anniversary of the Communist invasion of
Las Vegas, New Mexico Calumet, Colorado -- that we should all take a moment to quietly thank those brave actors and actresses who gave their lives in the defense of the Rocky Mountain West. They were young. They were beautiful. They were deadly. In our darkest hour, they were our only defense against the scourge of international Communism and (oddly) Mexicans. Though some may have forgotten the specific sacrifices of these courageous men and women, always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us.
Rest well, Wolverines. A grateful nation thanks you.
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