Audio By Carbonatix
August 10, 1984 is a date that will live in infamy.
On that
fateful morning, twenty-five years ago today, the United States of
America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by air and ground forces
of the Soviet Union.
The United States was at peace with that
nation and, at the solicitation of the Soviet Union and its allies in
Central America, was still in conversation with those governments
looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Western World. And yet,
on the morning of August 10, these aggressor nations launched a large
and coordinated strike against the people and property of the United
States of America.
The attack, using Communist infiltrators
from Mexico, Cuban military forces, Soviet Spetznaz commandos
air-dropped by disguised commercial airliners and limited nuclear
devices, caused severe damage to American civilians and military
forces. And all might have been lost in those dark days if not for a
few young Hollywood actors who (for some reason) were studying
anonymously at a small high school in Calumet, Colorado (apparently). These seven brave men and women were organized and led by the great
American hero, Patrick Swayze, who led them into the Arapahoe National
Forest where, owing to their extensive Method training, they were able
to sit around eating beans, wearing cool black Special Forces berets,
and kick the living crap out of the entire combined Soviet and Cuban
armies pretty much single-handed.
Though failing to rescue
fellow actor Harry Dean Stanton who was being held in a Communist
re-education camp on the outskirts of Calumet, the “Wolverines” (named
after the Calumet High School drama society mascot) did manage to
personally secure the entire Rocky Mountain region in the Winter of
1984-5. And while the official record states that the Wolverines
always acted as a coordinated band of paramilitary partisans, staging
hit-and-run attacks on Soviet personnel and military emplacements,
recent historical data has come to light suggesting that the
overwhelming majority of these attacks were carried out personally by
Swayze himself — who would go out in the night, naked and greased up
with badger fat, to wreak havoc behind enemy lines and challenge Soviet
military personnel to sexy dance-offs while the rest of the Wolverines
stayed behind at camp, practicing their angry sneers, desperately
trying to contact their personal assistants and weeping.
Historical arguments aside, it is on this day — the twenty-fifth anniversary of the Communist invasion of Las Vegas, New Mexico
Calumet, Colorado — that we should all take a moment to quietly thank
those brave actors and actresses who gave their lives in the defense of
the Rocky Mountain West. They were young. They were beautiful. They
were deadly. In our darkest hour, they were our only defense against
the scourge of international Communism and (oddly) Mexicans. Though
some may have forgotten the specific sacrifices of these courageous men
and women, always will our whole nation remember the character of the
onslaught against us.
Rest well, Wolverines. A grateful nation thanks you.
