Boebert Beat: “Juicy” Halloween Costume Inspires Outrage…and a Calendar of Future Capers

In an America so topsy-turvy that the White House is being torn down and turned into a gilded ’70s-era Sheraton, the GOP is withholding food from the hungry until the Dems agree to do away with affordable health care, and Marjorie Taylor Greene is actually starting to make some sense, it’s comforting to know that we can count on one thing: Lauren Boebert will never make the classy choice.

Case in point: what she wore to a Weld County Halloween party. For a costume, the congresswoman from Colorado’s 4th Congressional District donned a low-cut Mexican blouse and a sombrero, and held a chalkboard sign that read: “Mexican Word of the Day: JUICY. Tell me if juicy ICE coming.” And of course, her date — who really missed an opportunity here to go as Kid Rock — wore a camouflage vest marked “ICE” and the self-important grimace of a gun-obsessed incel given overt license to harass and/or commit violence. The image was so overtly racist that it could have been an AI-generated hit job by an opponent, but it didn’t take long for more photos from the party to appear online, confirming Boebert’s costume. So yes, it happened.

Not that Boebert or her minions really denied it. While Westword”s questions were ignored, Boebert said this in a statement to other media outlets: “It’s a Halloween costume. Tell our Senators to vote for the CR and open the government. They are choosing to let millions of American families suffer.”

Not the best reply. Not even good spin, for that matter, though it’s not like we in Colorado have been conditioned to expect eloquence from Boebert or those who still inexplicably choose to ally themselves with her.

Boebert has had a number of opportunities to explain her terrible behavior over the years — and she seems to really have a blind spot when it comes to celebrating holidays. In 2020, at the height of the pandemic, she made fun of the tens of thousands of COVID-related fatalities by calling her Thanksgiving dinner a “turkey funeral,” since the suggested number of family dinner guests was only ten — but at a funeral, it was thirty. And of course, there was her 2021 Christmas card photo: Boebert and her kids posed before the Tannenbaum with automatic rifles. To make matters worse, that last one wasn’t even an original tone-deaf idea — she took it from Kentucky Representative Thomas Massie.

So when she got all tricked out for Halloween, we started wondering what other holiday misfires gun-worshipping carpetbagger Boebert might make.

Here’s a short list of things to look out for in the coming year:

Thanksgiving: Kill Your Own Turkey at Boebert Farms!
You know how there are down-home tourist traps around America where you can catch and eat your own fish? Well, Boebert could invite her guests to slaughter their own turkeys. Yes, whether it’s shooting it up with an AK or running it down with an ATV, you get to eat what you kill at the Boebert compound in Weld County. There’ll be a lot of leftovers for sandwiches, and everyone gets a leg — and a re-load, if their aim is off. Because really, what’s Thanksgiving without the specter of death hovering over the table?

Christmas: The Gun Tree
Not only does Boebert enjoy posing in front of the Christmas tree with assault weapons, but she’s Zoomed with her gun shrine right behind her. So the next logical step for the Boebert clan might be to combine those two poor examples of taste together in the poorer-taste Gun Tree. Forget about bothering with the Colorado pine; just order a giant upright AK-47, point its barrel up to Jesus in celebration of the miracle of His birth, and festoon it with lights and NRA-approved ornaments like balls with Charlton Heston’s face on them. Also just balls, like truck balls, only they’re jingle bells. Remember the reason for the season, Boebert’s Christmas card could say: My right to assault weapons beats your right to anything else.

New Year’s Day: The Boebert Family’s Vision Board
Once the ball has dropped in Times Square, the kids have finished up all the champagne left out from the night before, and 2026 has begun, the Boeberts will rise from their beds, deny their intense hangovers, and gather in the kitchen to cut pictures from magazines that represent their hopes and dreams for the coming year. The magazines? Guns and Ammo, Family Circle, Handloader, Mountain Hunter, The National Enquirer, Backwoodsman, a few old copies of National Restaurant News, and a small stack of Barely Legal that ex-husband Jayson left behind when he was expediently tossed from the premises.

MLK Day: Average White-Girl Monday, Amirite?
Yeah, no real plans. She might make sloppy joes for dinner and pretend it’s the 1950s.

Valentine’s Day: Just a Reminder
Just a note here from Lauren Boebert herself — perhaps a lesson learned from romances past: Despite standard practice at other theaters, do not give hand jobs at the Buell. Again.

Easter: HE HAS RISEN!
And by He, we mean Trump! Like it says in his favorite Bible passage, “two Corinthians,” God loves humility and weakness, just as Donald Trump himself loves the poorly educated. Trump 2028! It is prophesied!

Memorial Day: BBQ!
On this solemn day in America, Representative Boebert will throw a giant picnic on the White House lawn to honor and respect our fallen heroes and all who have sacrificed over the centuries by pretending that the very causes so many of them fought and died for — the freedom of all people, the battle against fascism here in America and around the world — isn’t also what the current administration is steadfastly dismantling and actively working to reverse. The celebration will be fenced off and blocked from view…so that guests at the raucous al fresco party don’t risk catching a glimpse of the poors. Stephen Miller, who recently received a cease-and-desist letter from Nosferatu claiming identity theft and damage to his reputation, says he’ll bring napkins, but they’ll just be his small glove-box stash from Chik-fil-A. Steve Bannon will text to say he’ll bring blankets “minus the smallpox, ha-ha-ha.” And Karoline Leavitt will set up food delivery from McDonald’s, so that everyone can stand at attention around Trump as he downs his Big Macs, Filet-O-Fishes and a chocolate shake with unlimited refills. The rest of those gathered loyalists will just consume whatever Trump spits at them.

Fourth of July: The Trump Semiquincentennial
It’s America’s 250th birthday, and the majority of voters have chosen to celebrate our rich history of democracy by putting it purposefully and utterly at risk — something Lauren Boebert heartily supports without explanation or reason. So she could propose having another D.C. military parade — but this time, ten times bigger. The issue with the last parade Trump had through the streets of the nation’s capital? Not nearly enough forced participation. This time, any agency that wants funding had better send a representative group to clap — and clap loudly — for America’s dear leader. States will be required to send a delegation that numbers in the hundreds to cheer. No clouds will be allowed for the ceremony, but the sun will not heat the earth overmuch, either. Both sun and shade will be mandatory at all times, and the culmination of the event will be the official burning of the original copy of the U.S. Constitution, in a brazier that contains the Eternal Flame brought in from Arlington to the site that will mark the Arch de Trump.

Labor Day: Now It’s Amazon Prime Day!
Because no one wants to focus on the high unemployment rate, the rising poverty rates, the food shortages, the decline of the American farmer, the skyrocketing cost of living or the stagnant or worsening income levels of the average American worker, Boebert could propose a change to Labor Day: make it the super-popular Amazon Day, where some of your favorite gadgets are discounted by as much as 10-50 percent. All Americans (who are Amazon Prime members, anyway, though as Trump ally Jeff Bezos notes, the Venn diagram of those two groups should be a nice, uninterrupted circle!) deserve “epic deals on top brands!” and that’s not a bad deal in trade for your economic, political and social freedoms, right? (Just say yes, or you risk being excluded from this super-awesome offer.)

Halloween 2026 Costume Idea: Rear Admiral Eileen Laubacher or Trish Calvarese
If voters in her district are anywhere close to as dumb and uninformed as Boebert herself, dressing up like her opponent in the next election might just confuse enough of them to keep Boebert in power…to make even more ignorant and embarrassing choices on Colorado’s behalf. (By the way, while Trish Calvarese was quick to jump on Boebert’s Halloween costume caper, her competition in the Democratic primary, Eileen Laubacher, has stayed mum on the subject…so far. )

Whether to address the idiocy or let it speak for itself: that’s the legacy Lauren Boebert will leave for Colorado when she finally, rightfully, deservedly fades into obscurity. However it happens, it will be something to celebrate.