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Stirring the Pot: No More Franken-dishes This Holiday Season
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Stirring the Pot: No More Franken-dishes This Holiday Season

Thanksgiving, that great American gluttony of feast and family, has passed, and in its wake lie the memories of countless classic dishes: green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, stuffing, Brussels sprouts and roasted squash of all shapes and sizes. But there were also culinary abominations that had us giving thanks for paper napkins instead of cloth, so that we could dispense of the half-masticated mishap that our bodies would not allow to be swallowed.

What hideous Thanksgiving mashups had you wondering how anyone could possibly think the ingredients were meant for each other?

I remember the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup commercials of my youth, in which one kid had a jar of peanut butter and the other possessed a half-unwrapped chocolate bar. The two were minding their own business when fate caused them to collide, joining the two items in an iconic marriage of candy bar perfection that continues to be celebrated today. Ingredients like these just want to be together, and the combination makes sense regardless of your personal preferences.

But this holiday season, I’ve already heard tales of oysters being baked with ketchup and sour cream, producing a broken pool of pinkish-grey liquid with bobbing, bloated bivalves. A dish of roasted Brussels sprouts smothered in blue cheese sauce. The ill-fated folly of attempting to marry roasted potatoes and applesauce. And the only thing worse than green bean casserole being made with tuna fish salad instead of cream of mushroom soup could be the egregious joining of perfectly good brownies with blanched walnuts: an unforgivable crime of textural terrorism and a misaligned mixture of two things that should never be joined in one bite.

So I ask again, what horrors have you encountered so far this holiday season? It's your civic duty to report these culinary catastrophes so that we can all learn from each other's mistakes and ensure that these Franken-dishes never again see the light of day.

Spill the beans in a comment or email editorial@westword.com.

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