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The Top Five Most Horrific New Food Gadgets

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The never-ending market niche for unconventional food and drink preparation gadgets occasionally has a balls-out month or two, and lately it's giving us all some of THE most unfathomable creations -- and not all of the products are good. Matter of fact, most of them are creepy, crazy and mind-blowingly depraved, along with being expensive and crowd-funded. Some of the newest gadgets are only partially wacky, like the Somabar magical cocktail maker, the Microgarden of goo, the Alice in Wonderland tea cups and the portable hipster sunlight microwave. But these are the just the tip.

Here's are the top five most horrific new food gadgets. Prep yourself for a meat-smeller, a treat box made for criminals, nods to both Vikings and Scotland, and the stupidest kitchen gadget that has ever existed up until now.

See also: Five Disturbing New Pieces of Food Service Technology

5) The Goodie Safe

What the foodiverse needs more than anything right now (along with a fat-free, sugar-free jelly doughnut that tastes good) is a time-locked container to keep cookies fresh and delicious while preventing you from digging your cookie-hooks into your own cookies. Yep, the Kitchen Safe is a plastic container with a lock connected to a timer to "help people avoid tempting items." The flawed logic here exists in layers, beginning with having the delicious cookies in the house in the first place, and ending somewhere around having to keep your own fucking cookies on lockdown like a prison to avoid eating them.

I would never buy this, and if it was gifted to me I would put chocolate chip cookies in it, set the timer, then take it to my driveway and beat it open with a wooden baseball bat -- on principle.

4. The Meat-Smell-O-Meter

Taking whiffs of fresh meat to determine freshness will no longer be necessary thanks to the Peres portable, electronic meat nose. You point it at some meat, click the button, and it will determine temperature and humidity and the level of ammonia and volatile organic compounds using Bluetooth technology and a smartphone or tablet. This new gadget is already Indiegogo over-funded and ready to be produced, used and abused by noseless meat lovers, hypochondriacs and germophobes.

I would not buy this item, but if it was gifted to me, I'd still use my own senses to check my chicken thighs, but I would take this thing with me everywhere and point it at random adults, children and pets.

3) The Loch Ness Ladle

This new product has the rather dubious distinction of being the best of the worst new food gadgets, because it's actually functional, and cute as a little pinto bean. It's a blue kitchen ladle, made from toughened nylon and shaped like the Loch Ness monster. When you put it in a pot of boiling stew, it looks like Nessie is cruising around, chasing the carrot and potato chunks in the most adorable way imaginable.

This is probably the most brilliant dumbass, unneeded kitchen item I've seen --other than the garlic press and that fork that twirls pasta -- but it's soooo damn endearing that they're already sold out and on back-order until someday I can't wait for.

For more worst new food gadgets, keep reading.

2) The Viking Goat Coffee Mug

In case anyone was wondering what the most creative use of a goat horn would be (aside from some Scandinavian fetish porn) then today is lucky because drinking horns, circa 800 A.D., just made a comeback. Personally I blame that addictive Vikings show on the History Channel (ravage me, Ragnar!!!) for this sudden commercial interest in animal horns used for beverages. The real kicker here is that the Goat Mug is for coffee. Yep, it's a tapered travel mug made from insulated plastic that comes with a dual sleeve/mug stand, holds just over eleven ounces of liquid, and comes complete with a stylish carrying strap.

Vanilla-cinnamon latte, my ass. This needs to be full of small ale and banged on tables, and when empty, used to crush skulls.

1) The Magnification Spoon

Remember way back when Cracker Jacks used to have toys? Like before people's tots got dumber and there were worries that they would eat small, plastic objects and die? Well, the grown folks version of the tiny, totally worthless magnifying glass has just been birthed. The company Object Solutions, makers of the full-body moist towel, also offers the magnifying spoon -- which is a real product -- for people who are concerned about foreign objects on their meal plates. According to the website, the ability to detect unwanted food additives is something that will revolutionize the way we dine; the spoon is the perfect utensil for consumers who are desperately seeking hairs, glass shards, dust and possibly wheat pennies in their morning oatmeal. t

Fueling unbalanced people's paranoia is a perfectly respectable and time-honored enterprise in America economics, for sure, but a magnifying-glass spoon might very well be the smallest step off the cliff of insanity -- because if you are discovering treasures of the deep in your cornmeal mush often enough to consider spending money on a magnification spoon, it's probably an ideal time to reconsider your meal prep, and maybe to seek guidance from a medical professional.

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