3. Banana pudding. This will take some planning ahead and a Costco membership, but the potential payoff in the New Year's eve hump-lottery is too great not to round up a backyard wading pool, a couple of number ten cans of banana pudding and a box of vanilla wafers. Dump the pudding into the pool, sprinkle the crushed cookies on top, and if the bleach-blonde coeds with the glittery eye shadow and pink Aeropostale track suits have been swilling their Smirnoff ices, it won't take much to wheedle them down to their skivvies and into the vat. As a reward for your efforts, you get pudding-covered girls (spank-bank material to last all year long), a reason to shower with pudding-covered girls, and a rep so sweet that those sample ladies at Costco will be begging for a sample of your kielbasa.
2. Leftover wedding cake. If you actually went to a holiday wedding and liberated some leftover cake, great, but if not, stop by a bakery and buy a small white cake or a few slices -- just make sure there is some sort of flower decoration for added authenticity. Scope the party, find the girl with the pony tail, Old Navy sweatshirt and mom jeans and casually saunter over to the buffet table and place the cake where she can see it. Tell her that you put it there to see if anyone wanted to help you finish it, then seal the deal by telling her how wonderful your buddy's wedding was and how you can't wait until you find "the one." Get a little teary and describe how you've always wanted an old-fashioned wedding with lots of people and then sigh and stare off into the distance for a moment. She'll be drunk enough to believe your faux-emo bullshit, and you'll be leaving a trail of cake crumbs right back to your room.
1. Steak tartare. Get a juicy, raw strip steak and give it a quick soak in red wine, thinly slice and artfully arrange it on a Halloween serving plate. Set it out next to the bowls of Wavy Lay's and onion dip and wait a few minutes. The girl with the pointy blue bangs and the Jack Skellington sleeve tattoo will hone in on the bloody meat like a beacon. Offer her a fork, pretend to love H.P. Lovecraft, and you'll be gazing at her below the belly button piercings and howling in the new year in no time.