Today, we prepare to bid adieu to Gordon Klingenschmitt, who chose not to run again for his Colorado House District 15 seat and instead made a bid for a state Senate seat, then lost in last month's primary to comparably moderate incumbent Bob Gardner by over twenty points.
That landslide loss was well deserved: During his relatively brief time in state politics, Klingenschmitt has uttered a multitude of bizarre and often terrible things.
Now, near the end of his embarrassing and uncomfortable tenure in Colorado politics, we're sharing this rundown of things that we won't miss about Klingenschmitt.
Let us count the ways....
8. Giving Colorado a Bad Name on the National Stage
Earlier this year, The Daily Show eviscerated Klingenschmitt, introducing him as a “Colorado representative and Elmer Fudd lookalike.” (You know when a segment starts with an unfavorable comparison to a cartoon character that it's not going to be a puff piece.)
And then it went on to let Klingenschmitt hoist himself with his own petard, which is a euphemism that we imagine will have Klingenschmitt scurrying to the Internets to make sure it’s not some sort of homosexual thing.
So let us make it worse: Klingenschmitt has sacks full of petards, and finds himself hoisted with them constantly. It’s sort of his thing.
7. Looking Out for the Scouts
When the Boy Scouts of America finally decided to allow homosexual leaders in the organization, Klingenschmitt spoke out against it.
"If your boy is in one of those organizations, you should get him out of there," he advised. "It will lead to child abuse."
Should attention be paid to Scout leaders, regardless of their sexual orientation, to make sure that those put in charge of young lives are worthy of that trust? Of course. But given the clergy's collective history, maybe Klingenschmitt and others should stop throwing stones. (That suggestion is in the Bible, by the way, Mr. K, if you need some liturgical backup.) You really don’t want to get into a pot-calling-the-kettle-black thing when you’re talking about pedophilia.
I swear I'm wearing actual pants.
6. Going by “Dr. Chaps” un-ironically
Goodbye, Dr. Chaps.
This nickname is likely a reference to Klingenschmitt's days in the Navy, and is probably short for "chaplain" or something. But in 2016, it sounds like the most cliché homosexual nickname in the world.
And so it's easy to imagine that, in those online video diatribes where he's spouting hate toward the "homosexual agenda" and Obama and liberals and whatnot while wearing a black blazer over a black button-down shirt...maybe from his waist down, it’s nothing but assless chaps. Because that’s sort of the way guys like Dr. Chaps go, right? (Any chance you know Ted Haggard, Gordon?)
5. Protecting Our Guest Bedrooms
Think fast: What’s the one room in the house you use as a dumping ground and don't do much with except occasionally dust — until you need to host family members once or twice a year? Yes, your useless guest bedroom, which is the one thing that Klingenschmitt wants to be sure we protect.
Because that’s definitely part of the gay agenda, to have sex in the guest bedrooms of small-minded Americans who will have absolutely nothing to say about it. We all know it. Our guest bedrooms are at risk. Our double beds and stiff pillow shams and occasional chairs are in peril. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!
Keep reading for four more things will miss about Klingenschmitt.
4. Politicizing the Tragedy of Others for Personal Gain
When an unimaginably terrible thing happened to Michelle Wilkins — Dynel Lane assaulted her and cut open her womb, resulting in the death of the child she was carrying — Klingenschmitt’s reaction was to point to the Bible verse (Hosea 13:16) that says, “Because they have rebelled against their God/They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open.”
And then he added, “I wonder if there is prophetic significance to America today in that scripture.”
Colorado wondered what sort of asshat would have a response like that to such a horrible event, and rightly came out swinging at good ol’ Dr. Chaps, who heretofore had been just your run-of-the-mill, anti-gay hateful loon. The outcry was such that eventually Klingenschmitt apologized for his comments and offered $1,000 to Wilkins’s recovery fund — but the money was refused and refunded to him.
3. Insisting That “Gays Have Lost Their Souls”
In 2105, Klingenschmitt went on a tear that included the claim that demons had infested gay people and that was the root of their evil acts, and as a result infected gays had lost their souls.
But in fact, the assorted LGBTQ communities have an overload of soul, Gordon. Their cups runneth over, to put it in language that you’ll possibly understand (and pervert for your own sociopolitical ends).
Most of the world — and by that we mean intelligent people who have the capacity for actual love and compassion and things like that within them — believes that pasty little men who pontificate hate on YouTube for money probably have more of a soul issue to work on, demons notwithstanding.
2. Claiming That Obama Causes Cancer
Some things in this life are just unknowable. Like why Klingenschmitt would say, “We’ve trusted the president as if he was a god who could heal us.”
Most of us — mainly thinkers — would probably take issue with that on a fundamental level, because, you know, no one is actually thinking the president is a god. Klingenschmitt then adds, “Mr. Obama, you’re not a healing Jesus.”
This is like saying, “Phil Collins, you’re not a time-traveling podiatrist.” True statements, sure, but are they worth saying out loud? And then there’s this throwaway accusation leveled at President Obama as followup: “You cause cancer.”
Wait, what? So Dr. Chaps repeats it again, in what he calls a prayer, which makes Jesus sad. “[Obama] is an impostor. He is a liar, and he causes cancer through his policies.” Like we said: unknowable.
Lord, let me go back and not resign my House seat...
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Klingenschmitt was elected in 2014 to House District 15, which covers an already deep-red swath of El Paso County and the east side of Colorado Springs.
But even then, as Michael Roberts pointed out in our coverage of his victory at the time, “by the area’s standards, he’s on the fringes.” Some of the reasons are enumerated above; you can find others (many others) by perusing the litany of hateful insanity on his website PrayInTheNameofJesus.com (or on YouTube, where it might be a little less oppressive an environment). Shame on District 15 for electing him in the first place...but at least voters atoned for their sins in the primary, effectively ending Gordon Klingenschmitt’s political career in Colorado.
Thank God that’s over.