Nicholas Lorenzo, Safeway employee, charged with beating his meat behind meat counter: Today’s special is tube steak

Perhaps there was some confusion on the part of Nicholas Lorenzo, 25. After all, he worked behind a meat counter at a Louisville Safeway — so he might have thought beating his own meat was part of the job.

According to the Boulder Daily Camera, Lorenzo was arrested on January 31 after asking if he could help a female customer with something while allegedly stroking himself behind the counter. That was extra service she could have done without.

An affidavit says Lorenzo admitted to police that his penis had been out of his pants when he made this offer, but he subsequently pleaded not guilty to indecent exposure. And, presumably, to taking the name “meat counter” way too literally.