Audio By Carbonatix
Ah, the burger. Labor Day grilling tradition, force of good and ease in the American diet. We take you for granted, burger. We assume that because you are a national culinary treasure that you are also unassailable, that you can be toyed with–unmercifully at times–and that you’ll still come out perfect.
But it is, in the end, we who are imperfect, o burger. Arrogant. Thankless. How have we screwed with thee? Let us count the ways. And then, forgive us our trespasses.
4. McLean Deluxe
10. McDLT
4. McLean Deluxe
The second “deluxe” burger from McD’s on the list, this one isn’t about adult tastes, but adult waists. More specifically, this was McDonald’s low-fat burger — 91 percent fat free, to be specific. This dubious accomplishment (91 percent fat-free means 9% fat — not bad, but no better than the stuff you can get at the grocery store) was made more problematic by the fact that it just plain didn’t taste all that good. And face it — if you’re going to McDonalds, especially in the early 90s, you weren’t doing it to eat healthy. This was an irony made all too apparent by the above ad, which offered a free large fries when you bought a McLean — sort of like getting a free coal-burning furnace with the purchase of a Chevy Volt.
3. Burger King’s Super Seven Incher
Using fellatio to sell burgers? There are no words. (Except maybe: “Would you like a condom with that?”)
2. Lady’s Brunch Burger
The internet is full of lists of ridiculously bad-for-you burgers: the “what-the-hell, we all gotta die someday” Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, Ruby Tuesday’s sinister healthy-sounding-but-not Bella Turkey Burger, and the John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith of burger overindulgence: Chili’s Smokehouse Bacon Triple Cheese Big Mouth Burger with Jalapeno Ranch Dressing. But Paula Deen, Food Network’s Grande Dame of Butter, came up with something that beats them all — her Lady’s Brunch Burger is a half-pound of beef, topped with bacon and an egg fried in butter, served with two Krispy Kreme donuts in lieu of a bun. It’s okay that you’re both repulsed and sort of excited–this is the brave new world of food porn.
1. Canburger
Cheeseburger in a can. It’s a simple idea, for simple people, some of whom might not realize that cheeseburgers shouldn’t come in a can. But heck, it’s sort of cool in a novelty-item-not-to-be-actually-consumed sort of way. This burger doesn’t just come in the can — it’s also cooked in the can, which is supposed to protect the flavor (though protecting the flavor of this sandwich is something akin to protecting Charles Manson from an attack in the prison showers). It is, however, great for 1950s fallout shelters, neo-conservative militia stockpiling, and perhaps as a gentler alternative for those families for whom the fictional Obama Death Panels don’t sound so bad — because if grandma eats this, she’ll lose the will to live all on her own.
