Audio By Carbonatix
Until 1 p.m. today, the Canadian consulate is hosting Canada Day festivities on the 16th Street Mall between Cleveland and Court streets. Which got us to thinking: What is most worth celebrating about Canada? And what deserves a special musical attack from the South Park boys? These probing questions led to not one but two lists — the top five reasons to thank Canada, and the top 5 reasons to blame Canada. First, the thanks…
5. Drinking beer — legally! — at eighteen
In the U.S., eighteen-year-olds can die for their country but not guzzle a brewski for it. For letting young adults act like them, Canada deserves a toast! With some Molson, not Miller Lite!
4. Mounties!
They’re heroic, they stand for all that is good and right and true, and they wear funny hats. What’s not to like?
3. Steve Nash
Nash has transformed sharing the basketball with others, instead of hanging onto it like a life raft, into a work of art.
2. Dave Coulier
The Full House staple admits to being the inspiration for fellow Canuck Alanis Morissette’s vitriolic “You Oughta Know.” Did she go down on him in a theater? If so, how ironic!
1. Neil Young
He’s not a technically great singer — just an awesome one. Prove it by picking up Tonight’s the Night. And then Rust Never Sleeps. And then Zuma. And then…
Page down for the blame!
5. Canadian bacon
Come on: It’s just ham. Not only that, but it’s just ham too ashamed to admit it’s just ham — which is embarrassing even if we kinda like the John Candy movie named after it.
4. Howie Mandel
It’s not just that Mandel isn’t funny, has never been funny, and will never be funny. On top of that, he’s getting scarier-looking with each passing year. No deal!
3. Poutine
Didn’t think anyone could ruin French fries? Eat a serving a poutine, featuring cheese curds and brown gravy, and think again.
2. Celine Dion
Dion is terrifying in part because every time you think she’s gone away, she returns even scarier than before. Her heart will go on and on, but does her career have to?
1. Neil Young
When Young is good, he’s very, very good. And when he’s not, he puts out albums like Trans, or Greendale, or Le Noise. Then again, at least his crappy records are weird and unusual, not boring. On second thought, we love bad Neil Young, too. Thanks, Canada!
More from our Follow That Story archive: “The Book of Mormon (and Harold Camping?) make for big Colorado night at Tony Awards.”
