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Tomorrow, Rick Gold will host a traditional Fesitvus celebration at the Shag Lounge. There, you can commune around the Festivus pole, air some grievances and perform some feats of strength. There will also be a ($5 maximum) gift exchange. In honor of disillusionment everywhere, we present 10 more alternate celebrations from the week Jesus was (definitely wasn’t) born.
10. Heat Miser Day
– Turn the thermostat up to 80 degrees (Mother Nature loves this holiday).
– Microwave whatever shitty garage sale gift your great aunt sent you.
– Sing the song, obviously.
9. Grapefruit Day
– Turns out, you can mail order fantastic grapefruits from Texas at this time of year. Do it.
– Hold a a grapefruit slicing contest so you can laugh at your fruit-novice friends.
– Throw away the grapefruits. Compared with other citrus, even a good one’s pretty paltry.
8. Night Vision Night
– More darkness this week than any other time of year. Turn off all the lights once the sun goes down.
– Put on night vision goggles.
– Play tag.
7. Hollywood Day Trip
– Go to one of the many movies that get released Christmas week.
– Sneak in a dozen mini-bottles of vodka.
– Drink, cry, repeat.
6. Nutcracker’s Eve
– Get a bag of mixed nuts in shell and a geode.
– Gather all your friends and have a contest to see who can crack the most nuts using only your bodies and a parking lot. Extra points for macadamias. Those fuckers put up a fight.
– Winner gets to break open the geode with a chisel.
5. Old Year’s Day
– Before making promises for the New Year, you must explore your regrets from the Old Year.
– Make a list of things you wish hadn’t happened this year.
– Post them to your blog.
4. Relatvium
– Gather your entire extended family in one place.
– Put the younger generation in uncomfortable, oversized clothing.
– Have the middle generation get a little drunk.
– Everyone tell embarrassing stories about whoever brought a new girlfriend/boyfriend.
3. Football Fanatics Festival
– Watch every single bowl game, every single NFL game and Texas’s high school state championship.
– When there isn’t a game going on, talk about games you just saw or are about to see with everyone around you.
– Do not wuss out right before New Year’s Day. Get a Clockwork Orange style viewing chair if necessary.
2. Cell Phone Jam Session Day
– Gather a bunch of people. Turn the key pad tones up as loud as possible on your cell phones.
– Invent songs, drum circle style.
– Watch as attractive, eligible singles flock to you.
1. Rocksplosion
– Put a boulder weighing no less than 100 pounds in the center of your living room.
– Decorate it with colorful graffiti and one (ONLY ONE) string of Christmas lights. That’s plenty.
– Play Led Zeppelin’s IV and Meatloaf’s Bat Outta Hell all day on repeat.
