Audio By Carbonatix
Yesterday, we learned the sad news: Denver Initiative 300, which would have created an official, government-approved commission to prepare our fair city for a visit from extraterrestrials, was soundly defeated, garnering hardly fifteen percent of the vote — meaning hardly fifteen percent of the population has any sense of humor. It also shows a lack of foresight, because aside from the relatively low likelihood of an actual visit from beings from other lands, the commission could have some very important uses, from the political to the psychological. Here are five ways an extraterrestrial commission could have helped Denver.
Give Jeff Peckman something to do
Please let this guy stop making rap videos
More sweet jumps
You might say that just because we have a commission doesn’t mean the aliens are going to be any more likely to come here — but you know what? It’s nothing like that, penis breath.
Boulder
An extraterrestrial commission could keep busy studying pretty much everyone who comes down from there.
The paranoia
You ever seen a space alien, man? You ever seen a space alien… on weed? With the huge influx of medical marijuana in the last couple of years, Denver needs something to comfort it about the weird shit it gets paranoid about.
To counteract the influence of Tom Tancredo
Because we all know how that guy feels about aliens.
Will you step up to support Westword this year?
At Westword, we’re small and scrappy — and we make the most of every dollar from our supporters. Right now, we’re $20,000 away from reaching our December 31 goal of $50,000. If you’ve ever learned something new, stayed informed, or felt more connected because of Westword, now’s the time to give back.
