I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost(busters Remake)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m as much of a Ghostbusters super fan as anyone. I was obsessed with the movie from the ages of eleven to fourteen or so, and there are few things on this Earth I anticipate more than introducing my kids to the film when they’re old enough. I consider the original Ghostbusters one of a bare handful of perfect films, and I’m happy to defend that judgment with my life and honor. But here’s the thing — no matter how good or bad this new film is, that old film that you and I love will still be there. It will still be as perfect as it ever was. It will still have all the same great lines, visual gags and even all the same really uncomfortable, kind of rapey moments that seemed funny or innocuous in the ’80s but now seem pretty creepy and way out of line. None of that is going to change. We’re all clear on that, right? Then let’s move on to the complaints.

Maybe you hate reboots, and that’s why you’re upset. Bad news, friend — that’s Hollywood’s modus operandi at this point, and angry, 5,000-word screeds on the lack of originality and desecration of film history posted at movieguy420.blogspot.com aren’t going to change that as long as those remakes, reboots and reimaginings are making money. And yeah, they are making money. Besides, occasionally one of those remakes, even one that seems like it should be made of massive fail, turns out to be pretty damn good on its own merits. This could be one of those. If it’s not… well, there’s no law that says you have to go see it, is there? Just pop in that Bluray of the original and repeat to yourself, “Reboot? What reboot?” until the pain goes away.

If you have an issue with the director and one or more of the actors, well, that’s Hollywood, too. They paired a commercially successful comedy director with two actors he’s had success with and a pair of up-and-comers. No surprises there, except maybe they didn’t push for more starpower, which could actually be a good thing. If you have a genuine, heartfelt distaste for any of those women, or the director, I do feel for you, but realistically, is there an ensemble cast possible that isn’t going to have some significant cross-section of the Internet disgusted, disappointed and outraged? Let me answer that for you: There is not, short of reuniting the original cast, which would necessitate resurrecting Harold Ramis. Again, you’re just going to have to deal with the fact that your childhood favorite film may soon exist in a version you don’t love. It’s tough, I know. Maybe try talking to your therapist about it.

Now, finally, if your issue is the “all-female” cast thing, just stop. Women are just about fifty percent of the population, and I’ve never heard a complaint that the original should have had more women in the leads. Take your sorry-ass misogyny to some place that cares, like MRA forums or wherever GamerGaters go to nurture their festering hatred of anything without a penis. There’s nothing about the high-pressure, high-stakes and wholly imaginary profession of busting ghosts that requires a Y chromosome, despite some of the pretzel logic that I’ve seen trying to claim there is. My personal favorite is the guy on reddit who claimed that women in the role of parapsychologists hauling around portable nuclear reactors to clean up an infestation of ghosts would hurt the plausibility of the film, since there are more men in the sciences… yes, some guy really said that. On purpose, even.

For me, I feel the same about this as pretty much every reboot of a film I love deeply — a curious mixture of hope, doubt and mostly indifference. If it’s good, great! More Ghostbusters fun! If it’s terrible, well, I’m only out a few dollars for a ticket and maybe ninety minutes of my life. I can live with that. No matter what happens, it won’t affect my feelings for the original. Come hell, high water or even a last-minute hire of Michael Bay to take over the franchise, that old-school bustin’ will still make me feel just as good as it ever did.

Find me on Twitter, where I tweet about geeky stuff and waste an inordinate amount of time: @casciato.

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