Audio By Carbonatix
Even though it’s been shitty and cold and raining for approximately nine weeks now and it doesn’t feel like summer at all, it’s still late May, and that means that it’s time for the ceremonial rolling out of the summer blockbusters — so avast, because even more ridiculousness than at other times of the year lies ahead. And to kick things off, what better than a Jerry Bruckheimer sequel to a sequel to a sequel that was originally inspired by a popular Disneyland amusement park ride? Well, possibly something involving giant robot testicles and directed by Michael Bay, but we’ll just have to take what we can get.
Oh, well hello, Jack Sparrow. Why yes, we have indeed heard of you, approximately three other times. Yes, we know you’re halfway drunk — ha ha, that’s what’s so hilarious about you, is when a phoning-it-in-at-this-point Johnny Depp plays you like a fey gin-queen with juggalo facial hair — but regrettably, no, we will not be joining you. Except for the next two minutes, which is about all we’ll be needing to see.
Because we have right here all the Jack Sparrow one-liners we could ever want to tide us over until next year, especially since with that tide will come pretty much every single cliche old Jerry can pack in there, like mermaids, zombies and a guy who walks on two peg-legs instead of the usual one. Actually, a pirate with two peg-legs serves as an excellent metaphor for Jerry Bruckheimer’s production style in general: Where other pirate movies have some stuff, this pirate movie will have double that stuff! Double the action! Double the adventure! Double the explosions! Fuck it, TWO EYE PATCHES!
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Speaking of double explosions, what this movie will definitely not lack — watch carefully for them at about 2:20 and 2:22 — is explosions that look like testicles. So there’s that to look forward to.
