Everyone's favorite eccentric Renaissance man, William Shatner, is in Denver for his one-man performance of Shatner's World: We Just Live In It this evening at the Buell Theatre. For Shat-nerds, seeing this show will be a lot like making it with an alien hottie.
And for everyone else who needs a frame of reference, here are the top five things William Shatner hasn't done yet:
5. He's never made a religious conversion.
William Shatner was raised Jewish, and he's made no public attempt to identify himself by any other religious affiliation. But based on his cult-classified Star Trek following, if the Shat wanted to start his own religion, he'd probably have a veritable army of converts -- complete with virgins to sacrifice on the Starship Enterprise-shaped high altar. It's fortunate that he's never endorsed Star Trek becoming an actual religion, though, because there seems to be much fundamental antagonism between "Trekkers" and "Trekkies," which could lead to rampant religious warfare with hand-held energy weapons. Still, since Shatner's only eighty years old, he's got at least another few weeks to adopt a new religion, and Mormonism seems like a viable option since it gives Star Trek a run for its money with plenty of its own supernatural mythos, sheer numbers of adherents, virgins and well....it also brings in a fat pile of cash.
4. He's never spent any time in lockup.
If William Shatner has ever spent any time in jail, then his PR people/legal team have made any evidence of it disappear faster than Scott Bakula's Star Trek career. It's a bit refreshing to see a celebrity who hasn't landed in the slammer, but what could he possibly do to get there now? Get Shat-faced drunk and drive a golf cart into a comic book store? He's rich as fuck, so he's not embezzling anything or hiding from the IRS. Shatner's best bet for some high-profile illegality is to put on his old Starfleet uniform -- or maybe Guinan's flowing robes and pancake hat -- hop a plane to L.A. and bitch-slap the shit out of J.J. Abrams for turning the Trek franchise into a series of angsty iPhone commercials.
3. He's never had his own branded line of food products.
After Shatner's 2011 docudrama-style PSA about deep-fried turkeys that he did for State Farm Insurance -- there has never been a more creative use of the word "dingle-dangle" -- it's obvious that he has some star power within the food industry, so why not have him as the loveable octogenarian spokesperson for his very own line of frozen, canned and fresh "Shat" products? For the first time consumers can have conversations like "Hey honey, what is this? It tastes like Shat!" or "Gimme some more of this Shat!" Or even "Fresh Shat smells so much better than frozen Shat!"
2. He's never run for public office.
Mayor William Shatner? Governor Shatner? President Shatner? Let's face it: Shatner has enough quatloos in the bank to finance a run for dictator of the northern hemisphere, and the general voting population has proven that they'll vote for anyone who is semi-coherent and looks good on TV. But given the current GOP lineup, it's not too late for a dark-horse presidential run, and Shat can always get Jonathan Frakes for his running mate (he'll have to yank him away from his current activities, which include fueling paranormal conspiracy theories and selling home décor. But even Shat doesn't have enough juice to get Patrick Stewart on his ticket; the former Picard is busy being an excellent actor.
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1. He's never made a sex video.
It's possible that Shatner has made a sex video, but even if he has it's not on the Internet, which for most people means that it doesn't exist. Since Shat's still standing -- and presumably still functioning at maximum warp capacity -- this might be a good time for him to "do a Kardashian" (no, not literally, because Shat's gotta have better taste than to enter one of those deadly wormholes) and create a homemade porno. He can produce it, direct it, write it and star in it, and his lengthy and celebrated career gives him almost unlimited access to movie themes and titles like "Chocolate-Star Trek: The Search for Cock," "Bustin' Illegal," "T.J. Hooker" or "Third Cock in the Buns." Hopefully none of these would be confused with "Sex Trek: The Next Penetration" or "Pornstar Trek: Deep Space 69," since both of these movies actually exist, sans Shatner. Who wouldn't want a buck-nakie, Bill Shatner probing Uranus on film? This could be the last frontier he hasn't already explored.