Ten People You Shouldn't Text on New Year's Eve

New Year’s is all about the old and the new: fresh starts, auld acquaintance not being forgotten — you know the drill. So we go out for the night to ring it all in, watch the ball drop either literally or metaphorically, and toast to the promise of all that's coming. But for all the celebrating, New Year's Eve can be a somber time, too. 'Tis the season of regret for a lot of us as we think about the things we haven’t accomplished, the people we’ve lost, that true love we’ve failed for one more year to meet. People get lonely, and loneliness, like every other night of the year, leads to some very bad choices — like texting the wrong people.

Here's a countdown of all those people you should never text on New Year's Eve. Print this out and put it in your pocket so that come 12:17 a.m., you don’t make poor decisions guaranteeing that your new year starts off on the wrong note. You’re welcome.

10. Exes
Worst idea ever. Also, the piece of advice least followed, especially on New Year’s Eve, when everyone is feeling nostalgic, and Dan Fogelberg is on someone’s iPod, and you’re thinking of lost love and missed opportunities. But let’s be clear about something: A holiday like this one doesn’t magically make someone who used to be a complete waste of your time suddenly worth the investment. They’re still the same thoughtless jerk they were before, only now you’re looking at them through inebriated “someone is better than no one” eyes. You don’t want to roll over on the first day of the new year having just invited one of the worst mistakes from 2015 back into your bed.

9. Somebody You’re Fighting With
It’s just like that bullshit rule that your parents might have claimed to follow: Never go to bed angry. No one wants to close out a year with resentment, annoyance or flat-out hate. So you try to bury the hatchet, you know, like they do every season on Real Housewives of... whatever… and it blows up in your face. And it should. Because you were dumb enough to think that the arbitrary end of a calendar year means anything compared to raw emotion. In other words, you can’t end a fight without Andy Cohen, a Bravo special, and copious alcohol during commercial breaks.

8. Your Boss
No good can come of this. What message could you possibly send to your employer on New Year’s Eve that wouldn’t make you seem like a blubbery mess? At best, it’ll make work on Monday that much more awkward, as your boss won’t know how to treat you. While this may be a great idea for Horrible Bosses 3, it’s not a good recipe for a workplace that remains non-hostile in the coming year.

7. Former One-Night Stands
If you need a reminder about this, then you’re obviously unclear on the concept of one-night stands. It was one night. That night is over. You’ve moved on, they’ve moved on, and trying to revisit something that was only brought about in the first place out of desperation, a mutual lack of options, and no small bit of self-hatred on both your parts? That’s just sad. Don’t be that guy. You don’t wear the shirt of a band you’re going to see, and you don’t mistake casual sex for anything with a shelf-life.

6. Mom
Yes, our moms would love to hear from us. But New Year’s Eve isn’t the time. First off, she’s probably gone to bed already, and frankly, if she’s not asleep, she’s probably busy wondering what happened to Dick Clark on the Countdown show she likes so much, and the text conversation about pop culture and mortality just isn’t something you probably want to get into late on December 31. Conversely, it’s okay to text your Dad, because he’s probably sincerely interested in what the weather’s like wherever you might be at the moment.
KEEP WESTWORD FREE... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen