You think you have a dirty mouth? Surely it doesn't compare to Chelsea Handler's, who told the audience all about her early days giving blow jobs as a high-school freshman last night at the Wells Fargo Theatre.Without further ado, Westword is proud to present the top ten penis jokes that Chelsea and Josh Wolf, one of her opening comedians and staff member on Chelsea Lately, made last night.
10. Josh on Chris Brown: "Have you seen the dick pic of Chris Brown that leaked on to the web? He's packin'. If you were wondering what he beat Rihanna with, now you know."
9. Chelsea on a girls' night out: "No girl is like, 'It's gonna be a home run -- eight guys tonight!'"
8. Chelsea on going down on a guy for the first time: "It's like a fuckin' dick festival in your face. I remember thinking, 'Maybe if I hit the penis with my cheeks...' Did you come?"
7. Chelsea on Monica Lewinsky: "The idea of the blow job is so humiliating. Remember when Monica Lewinsky got caught? Her dad knows for sure that she sucked a penis."
6. Chelsea on the latest body-hair trends, as started by the "gays": "I've been flat-ironing my pubic hair for years now.... I heard that the '70s bush is coming back in style. Mine is shaved as an E and an exclamation mark."
The top five jokes and the best Chelsea look-alike we spotted last night are on the next page. 5. Josh on Brett Favre's penis: "Have you seen that thing? It looks like a thumb! He should really think about warming it up first before taking pictures of it and sending them to people."
4. Chelsea on looking at vaginas: "They look like seven-layer dip."
3. Chelsea on fingering a dude: "No, I'm not sticking my finger in your asshole. It's a Tuesday."
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2. Chelsea on her parents: "My parents are lazy and losers. They deserve for me to suck a dick."
1. Chelsea on male pubic hair: "It's like 'Braveheart' down there. I ain't fucking that. I can't even imagine what it's like here in the Rockies."
Special Top 10 bonus! Here's the one fan from last night's show who looks like she could be Chelsea's twin.