“So I’m working on a piece about Jay Cutler,” I told the dubious Broncos PR guy I’d finally been connected to after being bounced from flack to flack as I attempted to land an interview with Cutler, the Broncos quarterback returning for his second season and thus the fourth-most-important man…
What you are about to read may so shock and appall you that your eyes will flutter into the back of your skull and you will collapse in a heap on the floor, like that time you accidentally saw your grandmother struggling out of the shower like a giant prune…
The 2007 Sierra Mist Major League Soccer All-Star Game, taking place tonight at 7 p.m. at the splendid Dick’s Sporting Goods Park, was supposed to trumpet the arrival of Sir David of Beckham to America’s playing fields. The rumor, though never confirmed, was widely reported. He’d be free of waivers…
Click here to see a slide show of Denver’s converted Kwik-E-Mart. Newspaper was my favorite high-school class. It was sixth period, after lunch, and while most kids dreaded going back to school for the afternoon, the newspaper staff loved it. But I hesitate to say that it was journalism we…
I’m not going to lie to you: I’m having a pretty lousy summer. I can’t pinpoint exactly why this summer is blowing, it just is. The days seem lackluster and stagnant, and outside of that knife fight I got into with the hobo who talked back to me after I…
If dry-humping could produce a vapor, a filmy dust that settled over a room whenever two clueless, semi-asexual torsos awkwardly bumped together in guilty first-time ecstasy, it would smell the way that the Adam’s Mark smelled last Thursday. Or perhaps it was eunuch sweat. Maybe the odor that filled that…
Oumar had lived at the Grace apartments exactly one day when Daniel Smith approached him in the parking lot and asked if he wanted to play soccer. Originally from Somalia, Oumar and his family had arrived at the east Denver complex the night before, after a long trip from a…
I never really cared much for Friends. Sure, I harbored a quasi-psychotic obsession with Jennifer Aniston in the early days of the program, but so did every other adolescent male in America. I vividly recall the day that Rolling Stone came out with her on the cover all kinds of…
Friday was going to be one pill of a day for meth-sucking Hawaiians living in the city of Denver. Because Duane Chapman, better known as Dog the Bounty Hunter, was coming back to the city where he got his start for a “speaking engagement” that day. And Dog eats meth-sucking…
Lunchtime. Downtown Denver. The 16th Street Mall. Is there any better place in the world? Of course there is. There are probably 200 to 250 better places in this state alone, never mind the rest of the planet. I mean, have you been to Paris? It’s beautiful this time of…
As we members of the human race continue along our perpetual path of growing, procreating, relocating from the city to the suburbs, then dying, we are forced to endure many insipid rituals along the way. We share baby photos with one another and have to pretend that we’re interested in…
When Jose was three, he watched his father tie a rope around his mother’s neck and attach it to the back of a Ford F-150. His father then drove off, dragging his mother behind and leaving Jose alone on the sidewalk in front of the family’s house. Jose’s mother spent…
It now costs $63 to take a cab from Bradley International Airport to Wesleyan University. Five years ago it cost only $50. I attribute this discrepancy to the War on Terror. I used to take cabs on that route quite often, either to the airport or from it, alternately heading…
When I was nine years old, I lost my virginity to a gym sock. The best part about it was that I was not biologically developed enough to actually, how you say, manifest, so there was absolutely no mess to clean up! I just put the gym sock back on…
A few years back, there was this commercial with Ed McCaffrey standing in front of East High School, looking like that rascal Eddie Haskell and holding a football and talking about something positive. (I believe it was for United Way, but with all the shit McCaffrey hawks these days, you…
The plea from the energy-drink company reads as follows: “We know that you have heard of SPIKE SHOOTER Energy Drink when it was so visible in the news several months ago, and you might have formed the impression that the drink has some health concerns and have chosen not to…
In 1978, popular movies such as Star Wars dominated Denver theater marquees for six months at a time. There was no Internet, no downloading, no Netflix. “Blockbuster” was still a term used without irony by studio execs. And art-house cinema was difficult to come by. That same year, the Denver…
A young lady I met out on the town a few weeks ago recently called and said the following: “I’m sorry to have to ask you this, but are you gay?” Now, I understand fully that I am obsessive-compulsive and anal and that these tendencies often manifest themselves in exceptional…
For a brief period in 1993, my mother was unabashedly in love with Karl Malone. I can recall her going on about “what pretty eyes he had” and how impressive his shoulders were. When she spoke of Malone, it wasn’t hard to see that same teenybopper who’d traveled from her…
I’m beginning to get pretty fucking tired of the word hipster. The ubiquity of the term is weighing me down like a studded belt with an ironic buckle that doubles as a bottle-opener. The other day, por ejemplo, I was reading a society column — I like to keep tabs…
It’s no secret that I’m a Major League Soccer hater. I wish I weren’t, but I am. This country is so full of soccer-bashers that anyone who possesses any love for the beautiful game should be an out-and-out booster of the sport at all levels (never mind that the play…
If you see me out on the town and I have a cigarette between my lips, here’s what I need you to do: Surreptitiously sneak up behind me — go ahead, don’t be shy, just do it — and then back up ten, not eleven, not nine, but ten paces…
