Why do Mexicans cut down agave plants?

Dear Mexican: I think I have a Mexican problem. In short, I have a home in sunny California on a property with an abundance of agave cactus and Century plants growing along the street. Every year for the past twenty years, five to ten cactus leaves (three to four feet…

Is it racist to give my Mexican gardener my old stuff?

Dear Mexican: I live in a moderately fancy-ass suburb of Dallas, am super-white and make decent money. Naturally, I have a Mexican gardener/lawn dude who works his ass off, has fourteen brothers and sisters in Guanajuato, employs all his relatives, etc. He also has a sweet wife and three little…

Reader claims that Mexico has a defective culture

Dear Mexican: Someone wrote you a while back wondering why Mexicans have made a mess of their beautiful country. You got all bent out of shape because he called Mexico a Third World country instead of a “bottom tier” First World country. I think you missed the point of the…

Why do Mexican teenagers shave their heads?

Dear Mexican: Why can AeroMexico Airlines fly through any kind of weather conditions to get to and from the United States, but any kind of little ice sprinkle or heavy wind, and domestic airlines in the U.S. cancel two days’ worth of flights? For two consecutive winters, I’ve had Chicago-to-Houston-to-Leon,…

What’s the deal with Mexicans and pinatas?

Dear Mexican: This güero downloaded the Arizona SB 1070 bill, did a search on the document for “Mexicans,” and did not come up with a single hit. What’s up with that? Since you are such an acknowledged expert at pointing out Mexican-hating here in the American Southwest (your words, not…

Not all Mexicans know how to dance salsa

Dear Mexican: I am a mutt. My father’s father was an illegal immigrant from Mexico. My mother’s father was an illegal immigrant from Ireland. My surname is Mexican and is usually mispronounced by gabachos and pendejos alike. I look more Irish than Mexican. And as my father never spoke it…

I look like Freddie Prinze Sr. Will I be asked for my papers?

Dear Mexican: I’m totally serious about my e-mail, so please forgive me if my question sounds ridiculous. I also mean no insult to anyone about my question or questions in this e-mail. There are a lot of antsy/jittery people along the United States’ southern border. Lots of those antsy people…

Were Mexicans the first to sport gold in their teeth?

Dear Mexican: I was a history major at the University of Arizona in Tucson, which I believe was part of the Gadsden Purchase, the last piece of old Mexico the U.S. “acquired.” That got me thinking: What was the citizenship status of all Mexicans/gringos who lived in parts of Mexico…

What is with the Mexican hangup on body parts?

Dear Mexican: What is it with the Mexican hangup on body parts? When General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna was struck by a cannonball at the knee in one of his 8,000 wars, his right leg was removed from the knee down. When he returned to Mexico City, he ordered…

How can Mexico piss away such potential?

Dear Mexican: Mexico is truly an amazing, beautiful country! Huge oil reserves, mineral deposits second to none, tourist potential unparalleled! God gave Mexico every possible advantage. And yet the Mexicans, in all their wisdom and intellect, have turned it into a backwater, undeveloped, narco-ruled Third World cesspool of corruption and poverty. How were…

Why are SoCal Mexicans professing hate for African-Americans?

Dear Readers: ¡VIVA MÉXICO, CABRONES! Happy 200th cumpleaños to America’s favorite country, to the land of pretty señoritas and eternal economic crises, to the world’s greatest, drunkest bola de hijos de la chingada! When you celebrate on September 16, drive safe. And guys: Remember to wear a helmet before going…

How Mormons sold their religion to Mexicans

Dear Readers: As you read this, my trusty burro, pigtailed chica and I are crisscrossing Aztlán researching Mexican food. So now is as bueno as any time to do some housecleaning for the columna. Hay que start with a letter from the Mexican’s longtime amigo, William Lobdell. For years one…

How do Mexicans like their coffee?

Dear Mexican: As a proud New Yorker, I gotta ask: What the FUCK is up with Mexican food in this city? Sure, we’re used to getting owned by California and Texas and even Chicago when it comes to getting kick-ass, cheap, regional Mexican food. But I just got back from…