Oh, how the time does fly. Next thing we knew it, Memorial Day was over and it was time to pay rent, and yet again, all our memories of all the fun we had are pretty much completely blotted out by a thick haze of roofies and blow. Luckily, we…
Be careful what tattoo you get, lest you end up like Bree Davies, who ended up accidentally affiliating herself with a gang when she got the initials R.H. tattooed on her (it stands for “Ratchet Ho”) — meaning you might want to reconsider that flaming skull with the “Bandido 4…
As a general rule, the amount of fun it is to annoy somebody is directly proportionate to how easy it is to annoy that person; thus, there is nobody more fun to bother than the man who can’t take it. In the animal kingdom, that man is cats. A winning…
When I was a kid, I had a friend whose mom’s name was Hermine — which, admittedly, is an atrocious name. But a weird name can also be kind of endearing, and despite the fact that she was a cold shrew who clearly hated her life, I grew to like…
A man with no sense of smell named Shakespeare Williams returns to his familial home on the eastern plains of Colorado to find his senile father living in filth and disarray and his finances even worse, and so he hatches a plan to rob a bank. Intrigued? That’s the plot…
Whether you spend the morning of Memorial Day nursing a three-cumulative-day hangover or getting up early and running a perverse distance in the Bolder Boulder, chances are, by Monday afternoon, you are going to need something low-key — and preferably free, since you spent all your money on booze/paying to…
It’s a telling fact about We are the Night that about forty other things just from the last five years share its name (it’s at 2007 movie starring Joaquin Phoenix, for example, and also a Chemical Brothers album) — from its premise right down to its title, there is absolutely…
During the summer, one of the coolest features of the 16th Street Mall downtown is the painted pianos, those randomly placed sets of 88 keys that anyone can just sit down and play for a while — they’re not the fanciest and they’re not the best-sounding (temperature fluctuation and the…
If you’ve ever wanted to be a comic artist, you should probably reconsider because there’s no money in it. But if you’re anything like a comic book artist, you’re stubborn and you will not listen, so you might as well get off on the right foot — and Illiterate’s Talk…
There really is no comparison between Martin Lawrence and Candy Darling, né James Slattery, an actress and fixture of the Warhol Factory/late ’60s downtown New York scene who happened to be technically male. One was beautiful as a woman, talented and funny; the other is hideous as a woman, and…
There is perhaps no other place in the world so constantly put-upon has Haiti. It was already the most poverty-stricken country in the western hemisphere even before it was beset by one of the worst natural disasters ever recorded in human history with the 2010 earthquake, and a year and…
Friday the 13th is not a day with positive connotations: Besides the folkloric significance, it’s also the handle for twelve of the most gratuitously sequelized slasher flicks ever made (which is all that much more infuriating, because why not thirteen of them?). At any rate, there is hope yet for…
Here’s how the screenwriters of the upcoming Hollywood adaptation of Candyland — the candy-themed board game for children who do not know how to read — describe it: “We envision it as Lord of the Rings, but set in a world of candy.” That is an actual quote. It seems…
Change, some guy once said, is the only constant. It’s only natural that we should reform our opinions on things periodically, that we should reassess and reevaluate how we react — sometimes, at first you’re like one way, but then you’re all a different way, and pretty frequently, you just…
Given that the only sports more American than baseball are truck-pulls and war, come spring, it’s once again time to turn our attention to that most grueling contest of standing around with occasional bursts of activity. These days, actually, there are a lot of sports more in-line with the American…
It’s been a tough week for Katy Perry. First off, there’s the upcoming release of her mother’s memoir, which her father told Star magazine last week “has caused quite a bit of tension.” That would be because Katy Perry’s mom is an evangelical Christian who would not let Katy Perry…
This coming Sunday, several very fast cars will drive around in a circle 200 times for a total distance of 500 miles, an annual tradition that has now been going on for exactly a century. Yes, it’s the 100th anniversary of the Indianapolis 500, one of the premier events in…
Apparently at a loss for other ways to deal with the scourge of homosexuality, the state of Tennessee resorted to the old Voldemort tactic of not speaking its name last week by banning discussion of it from classrooms — luckily, gay activist George Takei has volunteered his own name in…
The Edge, a musician with the popular band U2, is a man known for the wearing of hats — and while the hat he is primarily known for is his trademark black beanie, we have it on good authority that he also wears other types of hats. Or at least…
Despite the predictions of doomsayer Harold Camping, the Lord apparently did not see fit to visit destruction upon the earth Saturday, which passed somewhat unremarkably except that it was a particularly beautiful day. (Personally, I went to an apocalypse barbecue and ate enough meat to create a small apocalypse some…
These days, U2 is less a rock band than some sort of weirdly beatific entity, to the extent that when the band comes to town, it even inspires good works. Case in point: the “Take off your Boots” ticket giveaway on Friday, where concert ticket retailer StubHub gave away some…
Being a phone sex operator is actually kind of boring. At least, that’s the gist of what we learned from Crystal (that’s a pseudonym, by the way), a phone sex operator Thorin Klosowski interviewed back in March for How to Get My Job — there, Crystal tells us that, ultimately,…
