Eggs Benedict is a notoriously hard dish to pull off. I wasn’t even intimidated, though, when my girlfriend told me that’s what she wanted for breakfast — even though I had never made it before, I’m basically like the King Midas of victory, and I made that Eggs Benedict, and…
The beef started on Facebook. Creeped out by last week’s TIME cover story about attachment parenting — you know, the weird one with the preschool-age kid standing on a stool and suckling his mom’s tit — I penned an essay for the Village Voice about how much attachment parenting sucks…
Comes a time in every man’s life when he must reckon with the fact that he’s become old and crotchety. For me, that day actually came at about age 22 — and while I’ve not been averse to shaking my fist at many a nonsensical aspect of our dumb culture…
If there’s anything we can learn from A Bag of Hammers, it’s that you can’t judge a movie by its title — because if you could, the trailer for A Bag of Hammers would be about twenty times badasser. As it is, though, it’s yet another low-key-indie-humor Buddy Comedy not…
The American Idol model of pop-star selection is obnoxious for a variety of reasons — the regular televising of Steven Tyler’s grotesque mask/face, for example — but the biggest one is the artifice of it: the implied presumption that some contrived elimination contest can dictate what we like. Even as…
Since long ago, the Cat Care Society has employed a truly creative method of raising money for its various cat-related endeavors: Tails of the Painted Cats, in which artists around town are called upon to doll up fabulous fiberglass cat statuettes which, after a couple of months of showcases (they’re…
A few years ago, I was so offensive that there was a protest against me. Like, literally. I was an editor at my college paper, and for our (still notorious, at least at my crappy alma mater) April Fool’s Day issue, I switched up my normally commie-leftist political column and…
You can’t take apart the LEGO sculptures at LEGO Kids Fest. I know, because I tried: Turns out the pieces are all glued together, presumably to protect them from assholes like me. Still, that’s about the only thing you can’t do at LEGO Kids Fest (held over the weekend at…
A long time ago, I was a nineteen-year-old homeless kid. The circumstances aren’t particularly important, but basically I just surfed too many couches and polished off too many bottles of my hosts’ booze until, chronically unemployed and perpetually drunk, I had nowhere to go. But even then, I stayed the…
On the wall in my house, right next to the desk where I work, hangs a framed vinyl copy of the 1978 Ted Nugent butt-rocker Weekend Warriors. Not because the record itself is any good (it’s not), but because of the cover art: a realist portrait of a shirtless, bell-bottomed…
A twelve-year-old degenerate needs a spot for daily operations: someplace that’s secluded, where he can stash his collection of pornos and light a bunch of weird shit on fire, and no one will bother him. For my best friend Noah and me, the central vector for our troublemaking was behind…
Long ago, before hippies like Al Gore co-opted it with their environmentalist liberal agenda, Earth Day was a time for honest, hard-working Americans like you and me to celebrate our dominance over the planet we call home, which, as everyone knows, was awarded to us by God pretty early on…
Besides blowing the mind of everyone who ever heard it, Sgt. Pepper broke a lot of ground: The album radically expanded the concept of what pop music could be, in the process inventing the studio technology needed to make it happen. There’s probably not another person alive who can articulate…
Even people born decades after the Beatles first banded together know that Eric Clapton played lead guitar on “While My Guitar Gently Weeps,” as well as many other Fab Four facts. Those truly obsessed fans won’t want to miss composer and engineer Scott Freiman, arguably the world’s foremost expert on…
It’s a scientific fact that if you watch the canon of David Lynch’s full-length films back-to-back, your eyeballs will not only melt, but David Lynch himself will somehow randomly appear to film your eyeballs melting. Fortunately, for safety’s sake, there is a week of recovery time between each of the…
Greek mythology is teeming with dudes who want to murder their fathers so they can bang their mothers. Nevertheless, as compelling as it is, I don’t really buy Freud’s Oedipus theory; personally, I’ve never felt any particular urge (that I’m aware of) to take my mother to the bone zone…
Back in the days when you didn’t even know where the party was until the night of — at which point you had to call an automated recording at a number on the back of your ticket to get directions to some abandoned hangar in western Nebraska and then load…
Suelynn Gustafson was doing goth before it was cool. In fact, Suelynn Gustafson was doing goth about five decades before anyone even thought to call it goth, let alone cool, and furthermore, she doesn’t mind telling you that she doesn’t think much of the teenyboppers doing it today. “I think…
The basic Goodwill business model — which relies on people cramming a bunch of garbage bags full of random shit they don’t want anymore and giving it to Goodwill to sort and sell for cheap — offers two major benefits: 1) You can get the shit for way cheaper than…
Last time I went to Vegas, I saw the void, and it was Circus Circus. The epiphany I experienced there, next to a mulleted dad explaining to his crying kid that they couldn’t leave yet because “mommy’s on a streak,” is too horrible to describe, but suffice it to say,…
Since even before Boyz II Men implored us to not wait until the water runs dry — which, obviously, would have been the biggest mistake of our lives — no genre of music has done earnestness with even close to as much sincerity as R&B (I’m looking at you, emo)…
There isn’t really a prize, at least in the traditional sense, for winning the Comedy Works Funny Final Four, a competition that pits four teams of Denver comedians against one another in a series of one-night shows. “The prize is you get another show,” explains Jodee Champion, captain of Team…
