Every other week, we, the fine citizens of Denver, are afforded the rare opportunity to flex our sinewy, civic muscles, explore our carnal yearnings for environmental consciousness, fill our purple bins with waste of the bottle and newsprint variety, and scream to the heavens, “Recycle this, oh ye god of…
A Death Sentence The hard cell: Adam Cayton-Holland’s “Rae of Sunshine,” in the March 9 issue, was a great story — and this from a small-time news editor. Not just a good scenario, but well-executed storytelling and cutting-edge journalism. I was particularly impressed with how much of the story Adam…
Sue Garber slides a small piece of paper across the table: a drawing done by her daughter, Emily Rae Rice, of Emily’s hamster, Leche. “She called him ‘Leche’ because he was white,” Sue explains. Two days before she died in the Denver City Jail, Emily had given the picture to…
Guitar-maker Scott Baxendale couldn’t believe what he was seeing — or hearing: a new commercial for Qwest service, with “Got to Get You Into My Life” as the soundtrack. “At first I was just appalled because it was such a lame version of the song,” he says, “but then I…
A few years back, former Colorado senator Gary Hart boldly waded into the blogosphere — and before long, he was mired in cyber-muck. “This was during the run-up to the Iraq war,” recalls Hart, 69. “A number of people were saying, ‘You’ve got to run for president’ and so forth,…
As a cocksure leader rather than a cock-dubious follower, I have always managed to buck the trends. (I have also managed to tuck the bends, at least back in my seafaring days when a little man-on-man action with a tattooed first mate by the name of Queequeg wasn’t so frowned…
A Word to the Wives Sexism marks the spot: After reading Luke Turf’s “From Denver, With Love,” in the March 2 issue, I am shocked by its sexism toward women on both ends of the globe. The story portrays American women as conniving, gold-digging bitches. “American girls are just such…
Five balding white men and a sixth wearing a hearing aid sit around a bamboo table in a Bangkok bar, under swaying fans and a neon Johnnie Walker sign that casts a faint red light over the group. The six, all Americans, are waiting for Richard Beals. Each have paid…
Last April, Mike Lynch moved to Thailand because he loved the women’s asses. The only things he misses from his ten years in Colorado are skiing and singing in the church choir. He certainly doesn’t miss his former Highlands Ranch neighbors, who never smiled, never said hello. Divorced in 1984…
Steve Schalk knows exactly where the true essence of the Ogden Theatre lay: in its carpet. Decades of beer and sneaker grime had been ground into the quarter-inch matting, like sedimentary layers of musical memories. Nasty, reeking, puke-stained memories. The carpet was one of the first things that Schalk, a…
Have Faith Pray as you go: Kenny Be is always brilliant, but “All-Faith Funnies,” in the February 23 issue, may have been his best Worst-Case Scenario yet! Let us pray…for many more years of his comics. Jenny Frankel Denver Fatwa city: Kenny Be, are you suicidal?!?! The cartoonist in Denmark…
Gary Haney likes things big. Big portions, big tits, big money. Big ideas, too. To be the Larry Flynt of the Rocky Mountains — that was his big dream. But right now, Gary Haney’s in big trouble. On December 9, 2005, the Denver District Attorney’s Office issued a warrant for…
She almost spotted me. God, that would have infuriated my mother. All that preparation (the workout sessions in the pool, the treadmill, the baths) blown in one instant because Sylvia — I’m sorry, Pond Hollow Sylvia James, as she is known in the circuit — caught wind of me and…
After the Rocky Mountain News reduced its once-extensive stock listings to a single page, business editor Rob Reuteman spoke with dozens of unhappy readers — and few were reassured to learn that the data is still available on the Rocky’s website. “I was talking to ninety-year-old guys who’ve been subscribing…
Murder, She Wrote So long, punk-rock girl: When I saw the cover of the February 16 issue, I thought to myself, “That girl looks familiar.” Lo and behold, the girl’s name was Brenda. I never knew her last name, so I had to read Jessica Centers’s “Femme Fatale” article. Sure…
When Brenda Denton rolled into Denver in the late ’80s, she quickly made a name for herself on Capitol Hill. She was the Queen of Punk. Psycho Brenda. Brenda the Bitch. Her black leather jacket was hand-pierced with rows of fat, heavy screws that jutted out like spikes along her…
For the past eight years, I’ve been completely faithful to my snowboard. Addicted to it, actually. I could never see a reason to go back to skis, although the convenience of poles was something I envied every time my board got stuck on the flat stuff. But when I strapped…
“Suit up, you chump,” a fan uttered to Denver Nuggets forward Kenyon Martin as K-Mart sat injured on the bench last Wednesday evening, watching his team do battle with the Chicago Bulls. And while Martin may not have had any part in the Nuggets’ eventual 110-107 loss, he mirrored his…
Through no fault of my own, actual pieces of news sometimes, somehow, work their way into the inner confines of What’s So Funny headquarters. Situated comfortably in my vacuum-sealed, germ-free giant obelisk that hovers menacingly above the city, kestrel-like in its vigilance, one would think mine would be an impregnable…
There are so many things wrong with “Shot-and-Beer Pittsburgh Froths at Mouth,” a January 18 effort by Rocky Mountain News columnist Bill Johnson, that counting them all would require a calculator with the power of a nuclear reactor — but one stands out above the rest. Johnson described driving past…
The Turn of the Screw Take out the trash: I am appalled by Jason Sheehan’s “Drinking, Smoking and Screwing,” in the February 9 issue. I have taken note of his restaurant critiques in the past, and have even visited several establishments based on his recommendations. Never again. His crude language…
Red was the only color that seventeen-year-old Contrell Townsend couldn’t wear. Contrell’s parents had pulled him out of Montbello High School in the fall of 2003 because he was rolling with a crew of known gang members, full-fledged Bloods. Against their better instincts, they allowed Contrell to return to Montbello…
