SEX AND THE SINGLE BIRD

After 63 years in the turkey business, Don Peterson isn’t squeamish about much. But when it comes to grabbing a turkey chick and squeezing it until its rectum pops out, he’d just as soon call in the experts. “I can do it, but it sure isn’t easy,” says Peterson. Unfortunately,…

SET IN STONE

In the beginning, there was beer. “About three hundred beers,” remembers Bill Jones, who owns and manages Reiver’s restaurant on Old South Gaylord. “We got to chatting over at least that many drinks. I don’t drink anymore and neither does Neal, but that was then.” Then was a culmination of…

I’M ED! FLY ME!

Late last month a smiling Edward Beauvais appeared at the Colorado Springs Airport in a wizard’s costume to announce his Western Pacific Airline’s new $59 “mystery trip” fares. To Beauvais’s many Colorado Springs admirers, the sorcerer’s garb was appropriate. For civic boosters in Colorado Springs, after all, the last seven…

HEAD GAMES

Not to be outdone by Ladies’ Home Journal, Westword concocted the following therapeutic scenario to put the Schnarch crucible theory to the test: Consider the case of Carlos and Helga, who say they have been happily married for seven years. Both say they enjoy pleasant sex but that something is…

OFF LIMITS

Out of the mouths of babes: Channel 9 has emerged the lucky winner with its network affiliation switch to NBC, but the good ratings news hasn’t translated into more news. Unless, of course, you count the stunning comparison of lipstick shapes offered up by Adele Arakawa on last Thursday’s ten…

40,000 YARDS–BUT MILES TO GO

In the dead of winters to come, you can bet that John Elway’s long-battered knees will ache and that Dan Marino’s torn Achilles tendon–an injury some ironic classicist must have picked out for him–will start to act up. In winters to come, Warren Moon’s shoulder will surely pain him again…

BAD REVIEWS

The civilian watchdogs entrusted with investigating complaints about Denver police have become so discouraged by a lack of support from the city administration that resignations appear imminent. And that would suit the police–and some city officials–just fine. “If they were to go away,” city councilman Ed Thomas, an ex-cop, says…

LETTERS

On Her Toes After reading Patricia Calhoun’s “The Art of the Deal” November 8, I agree with half of it. True, Adam’s Mark should not have taken down the sculpture without talking to the artist first. But it’s also true that bronze ballerinas would be a big improvement over the…

CONJUGAL BLITZ

For decades, faithful readers of Ladies’ Home Journal have turned to “Can This Marriage Be Saved?,” a monthly column billed as “the most popular, most enduring women’s magazine feature in the world,” in which troubled spouses tell all, then are counseled by a wise, real-life therapist. In the November issue,…

NO DOG HAS HIS DAY

Denver Post columnist Chuck Green recently reported that he’s raised $39,000 from his readers to, as he puts it, “sue the creep” who poisoned two Wheat Ridge dogs last month. There’s just one problem. He doesn’t have a case. Four columns into his crusade, the cash keeps flowing into the…

JOUST FRIENDS

Schroeder And McInnis Prove That Chivalry’s Dead. Housekeeping can get pretty messy, particularly when Congress is down to the wire debating budget bills. During last Thursday’s discussion of debt limits, two Colorado representatives got unusually down and dirty. The fight started after a Democrat from Ohio yielded two minutes of…

INCOMPLETE ASSIGNMENT

Mayor Wellington Webb threw around a lot of promises during his campaign for re-election last spring. But few have turned sour as quickly as the one he made to the schoolchildren of Denver: to appoint a cabinet-level “education czar” for the city. Five months after the election and more than…

ROGUE YOGURT

The weekend was warm, the type of weather that puts a jingle in the cash register of anyone with something sweet and cold to peddle. Customers lined up out the door of Doug Gunn’s I Can’t Believe It’s Yogurt shop in Boulder. The frozen-yogurt racket had proved a tough go…

OFF LIMITS

Flynn spin: The Rocky Mountain News wasted no time in announcing the good news at Denver International Airport. “DIA Bags Rolling at Last: United Finally Using All of Automated System,” screamed the front-page headline October 28. Inside, a breathless story by Kevin Flynn claimed BAE’s notorious automated baggage system–you know,…

KING SHOULD BE CROWNED

Oh, what a beautiful morning. Mike Tyson’s thumb is busted, and Don King is on trial for wire fraud. But don’t ice down the champagne just yet, fight fans. The injury cancellation last week of the Saturday Night Charade that was to pit Tyson against Buster Mathis Jr., a second-generation…

GETTING IN HIS LICKS

Sixty-nine-year-old John Hickey would rather gamble on a prison term than admit to wrongdoing for breaking the nose of his wife’s lover moments after discovering the two flagrante delicto. “Put one man on the jury,” Hickey has said, “and there’s no way they’ll convict me.” He’ll get a chance to…

BURIED TREASURE

When Anne McGill Gorsuch married Robert Burford back in 1983, it seemed like a match made in Republican heaven: the Ice Queen and the Marlboro Man, the steely-eyed darling of corporate polluters and the squinty-eyed sagebrush rebel. Burford, a Western Slope rancher and former speaker of the Colorado House of…

WHAT’S YOUR BEEF?

Pprominent Denver company exploits American Indians by using their images to sell buffalo products, according to the country’s biggest Indian newspaper. But Will McFarlane, president of the Denver Buffalo Company, which has a restaurant and sells other buffalo items such as decorative skulls, says he has nothing to apologize for…

THE WOMEN OF SUPERMAX

Colorado doesn’t believe in mollycoddling its prisoners. Just ask officials at the Colorado State Penitentiary (CSP), the chillingly futuristic, so-called “supermax” prison outside Canon City, where the state’s most dangerous prisoners spend 23 hours a day in solitary confinement. Better yet, ask some of the residents. Ask Janice, Shannon, Debra,…

LETTERS

Mark Her Words Having just finished Patricia Calhoun’s “Carrier Pigeons,” in the November 1 issue, I say, give ’em hell, Calhoun. You’re right: Denver is full of pigeons. MarkAir crashed–but we were the ones who got burned. Joe Levy Denver Feature Attractions With the exception of the usual stridency from…

BATTLE CRY

part 2 of 2 In their lawsuit against the City of Denver, Lane, Sullivan, Powell and two women claim that the city has taken sides, choosing to align itself with Planned Parenthood. “Complaints…by Planned Parenthood, its employees and supporters are routinely and vigorously prosecuted, no matter how spurious,” the suit…

BATTLE CRY

part 1 of 2 It’s early Saturday, just after 7 a.m. on a crisp autumn day. The ash and locust trees that line the sidewalks around 20th Avenue and Vine Street are bright with change. The elderly bungalows behind the trees look no different from those in many older, well-kept…