Angry, bitter Charlie Sheen started, as all men who are jilted by porn stars do, by advising us how terrible his ex-wives' lady-parts smelled. "Do you know that smell?" he asked. "If you do, you've been married." This was very nearly apropos of nothing, mind you -- and it was only the beginning. Sheen proceeded to rant for about 45 minutes about tonight in Denver, his 18th show on his tour, being all about closure.
This, of course, coming after the news broke earlier in the day that Two and a Half Men would go on without him. Appearing in sweat pants and a black fedora, he talked about how show creator Chuck Lorre was a "retarded zombie." Now, like a lot of things Sheen said, that statement doesn't really make any sense, but the crowd ate it up nonetheless.
He then opened the floor up to questions. Women offered to sleep with him, and he admitted not only to paying $100,000 for a hooker, but to anticipating the day when he is off probation and wins his custody battles, so he's free to "invent a crack pipe big enough to handle a 14-gram fucking rock."
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It's not that he stumbled around or fumbled his words; it's just that he really didn't have much to say. It kind of felt like being in a room with our drunk uncle at Christmas - we wanted to leave, but we couldn't. We couldn't leave because of curiosity and because we felt we needed to give him a shot.
Unfortunately, right when we thought it couldn't really get any less entertaining - it got weirder. "Roastmaster" Jeff Ross was brought onto the stage and roasted Mr. Sheen. He made sadly accurate jokes about his abandonment by a goddess (porn star Bree Olsen), drugs and rehab, and one spectacularly crappy Columbine joke.
Then after the not-so-funny roast was over, the two sat back in their armchairs and chatted about where Sheen would go from here. Sheen claims to have a show already in production, and we can't wait to see what we can only guess is a sad, desperate attempt to be brought back into the spotlight after his career has been violently torpedoed.
It's not that we hated the show or that we don't like Charlie. We like the guy, and we think he has a right to be angry at some of the stuff that's happened. As he rightly points out, it's ludicrous to find an actor with an infamous rock-star lifestyle, sign him in rehab, and then years later, when the show they've built around that reputation is a hit, fire him for that same behavior.
As Sheen put it, "dying is for fools and amateurs," and to be sure, Sheen didn't die on stage here, as he has in other cities. No one walked out, no one booed, and in a way, guess you can say Sheen had a winning night in Denver. Just don't get him started on Aspen.
Some Winning! Quotes from the evening:
"This is my eighteenth fucking show, by the way. Couldn't think of a more bitchin' fucking place to turn eighteen. Where the weed is legal -- my man! Fucking weed should be legal everywhere. It grows everywhere. Everybody would buy it. Tax the shit out of it. And fund every fucking failing program that needs fucking help, man."
"It is so beautiful to be in the state of Colorado and not be in Fucking Aspen. Fucking Apsen is where dreams go to freeze to death."
