Nickelback

Sometimes I wish I were a twelve-year-old girl. I wish I wore flirty fashions my parents hated without realizing how stupid I looked in them. I wish the mere sight of Shia LeBeouf caused my heart to race. I wish Madison Avenue loved me the way it loves every other tween with access to Mom’s credit cards. And I wish I could get genuinely excited about Nickelback. I wish I were hearing the band’s time-tested chording for the first time, so that it would seem thrilling and vibrant instead of hackneyed and tedious. I wish lines like “Why must life be so tough?” (from “Should’ve Listened”) seemed super-profound instead of obvious and whiny; and I wish the power ballad “Someday” made my eyes mist over because of its unbelievable beauty and not because of its towering boredom. But even a sex-change operation can’t make these wishes come true, because my brain would still know better. Twelve-year-old girls have all the luck.