In his new column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.
Oh, man, 2013, so you're officially over. That's kind of sad. You were mostly a very dope year -- at least for me, anyway, and truth be told, that's all I really care about, because I am selfish, and I guess I'm sorry about that. I'll try to be more empathetic in 2014. (The 2014 Empathy Campaign will be largely unsuccessful; of this I am sure.)
So, 2013, do you remember Chance the Rapper's Acid Rap? That was such a great tape. It might've been the best tape of you, depending on when you happen to ask me. I watched Chance perform live twice. He was super-entertaining. I like him a lot.
Actually, I just saw that he's on the cover of the new Source. That's so wonderful. He seems so nice. I wonder how he felt about the picture they used, though. It kind of made me wish that someone sometime a while back had invented shoes for eyeballs, because when my eyeballs saw the cover they jumped out of my skull and ran right the fuck down the block. I didn't like it that much.
OOOOh, also, do you remember Tyler's Wolf? That album was extra-player, too. I was really surprised at how few people and places listed it on their Best Rap Album lists. I'm a big fan of Tyler. I don't care much for the criticisms aimed at his personality (or persona -- whatever). I don't know who it was who said that art needn't be moral, but that's a dude I agree with.
I suppose that's why I DL'ed R. Kelly's album the instant it came out -- though if you don't mind, I'd like to gloss right over the defiling of my spirit no doubt triggered by my enjoyment of the music of a man who has so very clearly destroyed the lives of numerous young women. Sorry for that, 2013. Sorry to you, too, God, and to my mom, and to all women and all men, probably. :/
Oh, also, bro, 2013, if it's not too much of a hassle, could you do a few things for me in 2014? Could you please:
• Leave J. Cole in 2013? That'd be just swell. I still remember listening to Born Sinner. What a total chore that was. I remember it because I died from it giving me mega-narcolepsy. Please donate to those with mega-narcolepsy, and please stop J. Cole from afflicting hundreds of thousands more with it in 2014. He is our nation's greatest threat.
• Tell Kanye to stop talking for, like, thirty minutes? Thanks.
• Help Future survive Rich Homie Quan and help Drake survive Kendrick Lamar for at least one more year? It feels a lot like we're standing at the precipice of a revolt of sorts in that Rich Homie Quan's aggressively unpolished charm has dulled some of Future's auto-luster and that Drake has somehow begun stepping toward Not That Exciting and Kendrick Lamar is standing behind him prodding him with a metal poker. (This, I'm hoping, is little more than paranoia on my part. Drake has my heart.)
• Give Miley Cyrus a stomach flu up until maybe somewhere around July or something?
And I guess that's it. I don't know. I'm probably (definitely) missing a bunch of stuff, but let's start with these. Thanks so much. You're great. You were great. You're gonna be great.
Oh, P.S., also please don't let people do blackface in 2014. That one, too.
Oh, P.P.S., also please make sure that the OutKast reunion happens in 2014, too. Thanks. Be easy.
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