Play fast? Love dragons? Zack wants to talk, shred

If you like playing in "the realm of 32nd notes" in time signatures such as "13/16 and 5/8" and have a great love for all things Dungeons & Dragons when it comes to lyrics, get thee to Lakewood, where "Zack" awaits you as his musical soulmate. Also, you should not be a druggie, since Zack's songs require "110% of your focused attention," which druggies clearly can't offer. You also won't be able to check out his tunes on MySpace, since he plays "faster than the resolution of their audio capabilities allows for." which is pretty impressive... Is he joking? Is he for real? Is he a chubby dude in a Dragonforce T-shirt living in his mom's basement? Will he ask you to pull a guitar out of a stone as part of the audition process? If you've got the chops to confirm or deny, respond to his ad here, and let us know what you find out... or just read the full, hilarious text of the ad after the jump and leave a response in the comments.

Zack here - I'm forming a fast and complicated prog metal band in Lakewood. Guitar Institute of Technology graduate. I play a Jackson though a Mesa Boogie full stack and I'm sick and tired of nobody showing up at my gigs and then somebody telling me to turn down. So I'm forming a band to appeal to other prog & metal musicians, not the bottom-feeding rock club crowd in Denver. Looking for bass grums, and vocals. I'm willing to gig without vocals for a while like Satch, Vai, & Malmsteen but I do have plenty of lyrics already written. They are not singer-songwriter love songs but rather deal with lots of dragons & swords & fire. You must like to play in the realm of 32nd notes and be comfortable with my favorite time signatures like 13/16 and 5/8. You should have pro gear and attitude. No drugs. Druggies wouldn't be able to learn one of my songs anyway since they require 110% of your focused attention. Live auditions only. No Myspace page since I play faster than the resolution of their audio capabilities allows for.

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Cory Casciato is a Denver-based writer with a passion for the geeky, from old science fiction movies to brand-new video games.
Contact: Cory Casciato