State University of New York professor Dawn R. Hobbs recently concluded that 92 percent of the songs that made it to the Billboard Top 10 in 2009 contained some form of "reproductive messages." The conclusion is unsurprising: Sex sells. What is mildly surprising, however, is the statistical degree to which it apparently does: We don't just buy sex, we devour it. Then again, the Billboard charts have always been rife with explicit reproductive messages. Here are ten of our favorites.10. Color Me Badd - "I Want to Sex You Up" (1991)
Color Me Badd declines to go into much detail regarding the sex acts that will constitute the "sexing up" referred to, beyond "Let me take off all your clothes"-- but that's pretty much par for the course when it gets down to reproductive time. Far creepier, really, is the video, which, using the mind-blowing '90s trick of putting TVs on TVs, features a security guard keeping a watchful eye over security cameras that evidently only film sex.9. The Captain and Tennille - "Do That to Me One More Time" (1980)
Songs with reproductive messages tend to be smooth, but it doesn't get much smoother than the extended synth-flute solo that anchors The Captain and Tennille's "Do That to Me One More Time," in which Tennille can't get enough of a man like, ostensibly, the Captain. Baby, we're sure he will. We're sure he will.8. John Mayer - "Your Body Is a Wonderland" (2003)
Proof positive that a song containing reproductive messages doesn't even have to be any good to top the charts is John Mayer's "Your Body Is a Wonderland," in which Mayer pines for his sweetheart's "pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue," weirdly implying that he intends to chew her body parts vigorously. But watch out, ladies: He'll use his hands.7. Digital Underground - "Humpty Dance" (1990)
From that weird time in the early '90s when rappers emulated Jewish people and adopted arcane pronouns from middle English for rhyming purposes comes Digital Underground's "The Humpty Dance," which you can tell is about sex because the opening line says "Do me, baby" and the bass line just sounds like freakin'. Shock G. also addresses a number of other subjects, such as how he prefers his oatmeal.6. Salt-N-Pepa - "Push It" (1986)
Basically all of Salt-N-Pepa's songs were about reproductive messages, but probably the best (in multiple senses) was "Push It," in which the majority of the lyrics were basically the sounds Salt-N-Pepa would make if they were having sex. They also take the time to demand sex now, or else they're going to get pissed.
The top 5 are on on the next page.5. Starland Vocal Band - "Afternoon Delight" (1976)
What "Afternoon Delight" lacks in explicit references to sex, it more than makes up for in metaphors, which, taken in context, become downright disgusting. "Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite/And the thought of rubbin' you is getting so exciting." Gross, dudes.4. Lil Wayne - "Lollipop" (2008)
Just in case the central metaphor of Lollipop wasn't clear enough, Lil Wayne goes ahead and lets us know that the part of him his dame wants to lick is definitely his penis -- Shawty wants to hump, after all, and Lil Wayne will make it juicy for her. Because nothing makes a sexy song sexier like a reference to jism.3. Khia - "My Neck, My Back (Lick It)" (2002)
Khia, on the other hand, doesn't even bother with metaphors when it comes to the reproductive message of oral sex; starting off as a set of instructions for all the ladies to "pop your pussy like this," "My Neck, My Back (Lick It)" goes on to request the same for both Khia's pussy and crack, possibly marking pop music's first and only reproductive message having to do specifically with butt cracks.2. Boyz II Men - "I'll Make Love to You"
The boys in Boyz II Men promise to make love to us, and they do it well enough for us to hope that, when they do, it'll be all four of them at the same time. They also do it well enough for "I'll Make Love to You" to stay at number one on the Billboard Hot 100 for fourteen weeks. By the way, the video also helpfully teaches us that when the technician shows you how to use your security system in soft focus, he's probably going to come back later and break in. Romantically, of course.1. Marvin Gaye - "Let's Get It On" (1973)
When Marvin Gaye does it, it's not so much a reproductive message -- it's a reproductive command.
Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.