We've finally arrived: The The best of the worst. The creme de la crap. The unholy of unholies. If you thought 50-11 were bad, you ain't seen nothin' yet. These are the lyrics that can turn a good album sour, and make a bad album laughable. Included are quotes from Eminem, Lil B, J. Cole, 2 Chainz, ICP and more. Continue on for the brutal conclusion the fifty worst rap lyrics of all time
50. M.I.M.S. - "This is Why I'm Hot"
"I'm hot cuz I'm fly. You ain't cuz you not."
Hey, Mims. Not fair. You at least have to explain to me why I'm not hot, so that I can correct my behavior and someday become, you know, hot.
49. MC Hammer - "Pumps and a Bump"
"I don't like 'em figgity fat, I like 'em stiggity stacked/You wiggity wiggity wack if you ain't got biggity back."
You know what's wiggity wack? This liggity line. Thank giggity God this trend diggity died diggity decades ago. In figgity fact, if I never hear rhyming like this again, unless it's for a Das EFX reunion, it'll be too siggity soon.
48. Ice Cube - "It Was a Good Day"
"And my dick runs deep, so deep/So deep put her ass to sleep,"
Ice Cube has been with a lot of ladies, so it's possible that he knows something that we don't, but generally putting her ass to sleep is something to avoid mid-coitus.
47. Lil' Wayne - "Goulish"
"Fuck Pusha T and anybody that love him/His head up his ass, I'mma have to head-butt him"
This is the rhyme that Wayne began his Pusha T diss with, so no matter what he said after, he had already lost. Wordplay for the sake of wordplay is like chewing for the sake of chewing.
46. Notorious B.I.G. - "The Ten Crack Commandments"
"Rule nombre uno"
Big is one of the greatest American rappers of all time, but did you know that he's also one of the greatest Spanglish rappers of all time? Sure, "nombre" means "name," but, come on, this is America. If it sounds Spanish and you know what he's trying to say then, functionally, you're speaking the language.
45. Game - "Dreams"
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"It's kinda hard to imagine, like Kanye West coming back from his fatal accident to beatmaking and rapping."
Game is referring to the car accident that nearly killed Kanye years ago, the one he talks about in "Through the Wire." But, apparently, Game doesn't know what fatal means. But wait, they do call Kanye Yeesuz... Maybe Game knows something about resurrection that we don't.
44. Canibus - "Second Round K.O."
"You might got more cash than me, but you ain't got the skills to eat a n***a's ass like me."
Canibus probably meant the word "ass" as a synecdoche, a part for the whole, like "all hands on deck," but the proximity of the words "eat" and "ass" make this line too funny not to ridicule. Or maybe he just really enjoys anilingus.
43. Kitty Pryde & RiFF RaFF - "Orion's Belt"
"Olympic swimmers from Nigeria/Emeralds in my ears, so far from clear cause they resemble frozen lettuce/91 degrees out and buzzin', you ever seen melted lime jello?"
No, the "olympic swimmers from Nigeria" bit isn't referencing some earlier part as far as we can tell, the line just makes that little sense. In truth, we could have picked almost any RiFF RaFF lines, but we decided to go with some of the most dazzlingly absurd.
42. Mac Miller - "Wear My Hat"
"That girl know how to blow something like she played the flute."
Mac Miller, you wordsmith! How did you figure out to connect the blowing of an instrument to the blowing of your instrument? I guess that's why you're the one making number one albums.
41. Will.I.Am - "The Hardest Ever"
"I'ma go hard like a motherfucking boner."
While other rappers were beating around the bush (pun intended) to try to figure out creative ways to say they go hard, Will.I.Am said, "Fuck it. I'ma get straight to the point." (Puns, again, intended.) We were all thinking it, so Will.I.Am said it. Problem?
40. Atmosphere - "Trying to Find a Balance"
"Yeah, I got some last words: Fuck all y'all/Stop writing raps and go play volleyball."
But, Slug, I don't even play volleyball. Can't I go play tennis, or basketball? If quit rapping and started playing tennis, would that be good enough? And what do you have against volleyball, anyway? I like volleyball. Especially beach volleyball.
39. Jay-Z - "Glory"
"You're a child of destiny/You're the child of my destiny/You're my child with the child from Destiny's Child"
Ok, Jay. We get it. Once is enough. You have sex with Beyonce. We're all very jealous. Please don't ever use the words "destiny" or "child" in a song again.
38. Childish Gambino - "Freaks & Geeks"
"An elephant never forgets, so my dick remembers everything."
How many different ways can Donald Glover say he has a big penis? A lot, apparently. This is one of the worst -- lazy and pointless. What other big things can we compare his penis to? The Titanic sunk, so his dick is under water. Wow, rapping is easy.
37. Eminem - "Space Bound"
"Love is evil. Spell it backwards, I'll show ya."
Let's quickly move past the obvious misspelling and see what other equivalences are true by that same logic. Apparently, my dog is god, which, judging by the large piles of crap he occasionally leaves on my carpet, says something very unflattering about the world's religions.
36. Lil' Wayne on French Montana's "Pop That"
"Pop that pussy like a zit."
Congratulations, Wayne. You just put the pus in pussy. You've managed to juxtapose the two things in the universe I least wanted to be connected in my mind. "Balloon" wouldn't have worked? "Bubble"?
35. Kreayshawn "Go Hard"
"Pretty little bitch, dripping like some water though/I be on that straw and coming for that low, low."
Hey, Kreayshawn, what's the most infantile, nonsensical way you could talk about performing cunnilingus? Anybody who refers to a vagina as a "low, low" deserves to be...ah, never mind.
34. Lil B - "Wonton Soup"
"Eat that wonton soup I got the cash like chang, chang, chang/Bitches suck my dick because I come like 36 ways."
Is there anybody with a stronger penchant for irreverence than Lil B? It's hard to even describe how dumb this rhyme is. Words like "onomatopoeia" and "allusion" are too fancy to be used here.
33. Hoodie Allen - "The Chase Is On"
"Oh, you from Wu-Tang?/Then why's your face ghost?"
First of all, in what circumstance would somebody who wasn't in Wu-Tang tell you that they were in Wu-Tang? Second of all, if they were in Wu-Tang, there's a one in nine chance that their face is ghost. Third of all, this line has no meaning in the context of the song. Three strikes, you're out.
32. Jay-Z - "Fallin'"
"Can't blow too hard/Life's a deck of cards."
Hey! Jay-Z is a GOAT contender. If he had meant to say "house of cards," he damn well would have said "house of cards." The Zed Master is just on a whole other level of consciousness. You can't even comprehend, man. You can't even comprehend.
31. Hopsin - "The B Bop"
"I serve packs of these haters. My words actually rape 'em And where's daddy to save him? My urge has to be fatal. Up in this music shit, the sky's the limit for rising in it, long as I'm consistent and keep on using my eyes as gimmicks."
Ok. Before you judge Hopsin for this fairly offensive, mostly incoherent mess, know this: We're not even sure he knows what most of these words mean. At least he admits that his colored contact lenses are gimmicks. Not sure why he keeps wearing them, as long as he knows he looks stupid.
30. Kanye West - "N***as in Paris"
Ball so hard. That shit cray, ain't it, Jay?/What she order, fish filet?
Not sure why this detail is important in Kanye and Jay's French adventure, but "filet" does rhyme with "cray." Can't argue with that.
29. Lil' Wayne - "Dr. Carter"
"Swagger tighter than a yeast infection/Fly, go hard, like geese erection."
What is it with Wayne and disgusting vagina descriptions? I imagine, being so famous, he has to have had quite a few bad experiences sprinkled in with the good, but c'mon, man. Spare us. At least this time he paired it with an equally unappealing penis simile. Hooray for gender equality!
28. Nicki Minaj - "Blazin'"
"Go against me now, I dare you. #Bambi"
We actually couldn't figure out what Nicki was trying to say here until we looked it up on the interwebs. The best explanation we found is that, with her accent, "dare" kiiiinda sounds like "deer." Rest easy, Bambi, Nicki isn't trying to fight you. She's just rapping badly.
27. A$AP Ant - "Bath Salts"
"I see fear/You some fucking queers/Grow a fucking beard/I'm 'posed to be here."
So if I grow a beard, will it make me not queer? Will I finally measure up to these impossible standards of masculinity?
26. Pitbull - "Give Me Everything"
"Me not working hard? Yeah, right. Picture that with a Kodak/and, better yet, go to Times Square, take a picture of me with a Kodak"
It's not so much the rhyming a word with the same word that I have a problem with here; it's the hilarity of the laziest "rhyme" imaginable coming right after the rhetorical question, "Me not working hard?" Oh, yeah, I can picture it, with a Kodak.
25. OJ Da Juiceman - "I'm Gettin' Money"
"Movin' in the Grand Prix, same color as thunder."
Wait, this line isn't stupid. This line is genius! How do you describe the indescribable? "Same color as thunder" is right up there with the taste of a whisper, the vision of a scream and the sound of a tree falling when nobody can hear it.
24. Young Jeezy - "Trap or Die"
"Got diarrhea flow, now I shit on niggas/Even when I'm constipated I still shit on niggas."
Apparently Jeezy has problems controlling his bowels. At times, his ailment gets so bad, he has diarrhea and constipation at the same time. Poor guy. Maybe try taking an Imodium A-D and an Ex-lax, and see what happens. Should be interesting.
23. Redman - "5 Boroughs"
"My paragraph alone is worth five mics/A twelve-song LP, that's 36 mics."
This line doesn't make any sense any way you slice it. The math doesn't come close to working; 36 isn't even divisible by 5. Redman wasn't on 36 Chambers, which had more than twelve songs anyway. He didn't even have a twelve-song LP. Possibly he was referring to the KRS-1 album that "5 Boroughs" was supposed to be released on, but the album never dropped, so I guess we'll never know.
22. Childish Gambino - "Who Datt Pt. 2"
"I shit green like vegetarian assholes"
Not only has this sentiment (though it seems a stretch to even call it that) been conveyed a million billion times by every rapper and their mother, it seems like rappers are just getting lazier and lazier. This is a picture I could do without ever seeing. And vegetarians, if this happens to you, you're doing it wrong.
21. Juelz Santana - "Black Republicans"
"Rock star: I'm flier than an ostrich."
Let's give credit where it's due. Juelz knew that an ostrich is a bird, and he knew most birds fly. Hell, for all he probably knew, all birds fly. So it only logically follows that an ostrich is gonna fly. It's not like there are ostriches in New York. You expect him to be a scholar on ostriches?
20. Dr. Dre - "Nuthin' But A G Thang"
"Never let me slip 'cause if I slip, then I'm slippin'."
Dre is a master of formal logic. Not many people know this, but he actually got his doctorate in semantics. Here, he postulates the most fundamental properties of cause and effect. Not only that, he demonstrates his theory with a tractionless lyrical career. After this, Dre got the help of some ghostwriters, who are less susceptible to such slippage.
19. Lil' Wayne's verse on Tyga's "Faded"
"She knows my dick/She call that nigga Richard/Prior to me coming/I had to stick my thumb in/Her ass one time/Smell my finger, make you vomit."
Is the whole purpose of the second half of this line just to make a Richard Pryor joke? Must we really be subjected to the image of Weezy sticking his thumb up his lady's pooper for a stupid pun? This goes beyond TMI to the realm of information nobody ever needs to hear -- ever, ever, ever.
18. Lil' Fame - "Half and Half"
"First Family will gradually lift that ass up like gravity/And turn your body frame into a cavity"
Unless Lil' Fame has you attached to some sort of top-heavy see-saw to literally lift your ass up using the weight of your head, a contraption which we'd really like to see, this is not how gravity works. And how do you turn an entire mass into cavity? Unless he's talking about a cavity in the fabric of space -- like a black hole or something -- that would be really impressive.
17. Chingy - "Balla Baby"
"I like them black, white, Puerto Rican, or Haitian/Like Japanese, Chinese or even Asian."
I think that Chingy does not understand the set/subset relationship. What's next? He'll drive a car or a bentley? He'll drink champagne or Cristal?
16. Lil' Wayne - "The Motto"
"Almost drowned in her pussy, so I swam to her butt"
How does Wayne manage to drop stinkers like this into smash hits like "Faded" and "The Motto"? We get it; they're club hits, and people aren't exactly worried about the lyrics, but you think at some point, somebody would stop and say, "What the hell am I dancing to?" And what is up with these rappers' fixation with tailpipes anyway?
15. Jay-Z - "It's Hot (Some Like It Hot)"
".38 revolve like the sun round the Earth."
Who do you think knows more about celestial bodies, some 500 years dead geezer named Copernicus or Lord of the Illuminati, Hova, Jay-Z, King of the Roc and Master of the Universe? Yeah, that's what we thought. Don't ever question Mr. Carter.
14. Nas - "Can't Forget About You"
Unforgettable, unsubmittable/I go by N now, just one syllable
As opposed to "Nas," which is... how many syllables? We're not exactly sure what Nas meant by the non-word "unsubmittable," either, but N should have taken his own advice and never submitted these lines.
13. Game - "I Remember"
"Red bottoms let the tongue hang/Got a off-white porchse. #Cum stain"
This hashtag rap thing is getting ridiculous. You say anything that can be tied to the line before it previously, no matter how remotely or insignificant, and that's passable lyricism? No.
12. Foxy Brown - "Affirmative Action"
"32 grams raw, chop it in half, get 16. / Double it times 3, we got 48, which mean a whole lot of cream. / Divide the profit by four, subtract it by eight, we back to sixteen..." Foxy Brown must be the worst drug dealer ever. I want to buy drugs from her. The unintentional savings you can catch are probably amazing.
11. Common and Canibus - "Black Republicans"
"I'm your worst nightmare squared/That's double for niggas who ain't mathematically aware."
Oh, the irony of lambasting others for their ineptitude with incorrect mathematical awareness. And we thought Canibus and Common were supposed to be the smart guys! Maybe they're just incredibly fearful of the number two, in which case, their math checks out.
10. Eminem - "Love the Way You Lie"
"Now you get to watch her leave out the window/Guess that's why they call it window pain."
Recovery was a genuine, heartfelt display of catharsis for Eminem. It had the potential to be the second Eminem Show, but it was plagued with cornball lines like this one that cheapen it horribly. What do rappers do when they can't think of anything important to say? They resort to wordplay. That way, it seems as if they are accomplishing something, when in reality, they aren't. Don't pour out your heart and then sum it up with a meaningless pun. Ain't nobody got time for that.
9. Fabulous - "You Be Killin' Em"
"Louboutin shoes, she got too much pride/Her feet are killing her. I call it shoe-icide."
This line actually has potential to connect in deep way by touching on the shackles of materialism, but then Fabulous fudges it all up with that god awful shoe-icide pun. Here's a rule of thumb: Never use a pun when you're trying to make a serious point. It makes you sound like a comedian, and a bad one at that.
8. LMFAO - "Love Lockdown"
"You done broke my heart into a million pieces/I should have seen it coming, wish I had telekinesis."
I guess you could use your telekinetic powers to float the time machine over to where you're sitting, but that's pretty much it. C'mon, LMFAO, you guys are supposed to be up on your dorkery. This is like the girl from Mean Girls who thought her boobs had ESPN, only worse because she's supposed to be stupid. Wait, never mind.
7. Nicki Minaj - "Your Love"
"When I was a geisha, he was a samurai/Somehow I understood him when he spoke Thai."
Birdman has been touting Young Money Entertainment as the first future billionaire enterprise in hip-hop, so how is it that nobody in their massive conglomerate was able to make the distinction between Japanese and Thai culture? As a single, "Your Love" topped the rap charts. How does that happen? This lyric is not only an indictment of Minaj, it's an indictment of the industry and the millions of people who happily consumed this garbage.
6. Soulja Boy - "Yahhh!"
"Ain't got time for chit chat; I'm tryin' to get this money/So get up out my face, you doo-doo head dummy."
With "Crank Dat," Soulja staked his place as a force in the music industry, and with "Turn My Swag On," he cemented it. But with "Yahhh!", Soulja Boy has shown his maturation as an artist, from Superman-ing that ho to shrugging off the doo-doo head dummies. He's truly come full circle. What a joy to watch. Wipes tear.
5. 2 Chainz - "Birthday Song"
"She got a big booty, so I call her Big Booty."
I guess this is a case where a rose by any other name wouldn't smell as sweet -- or maybe it would, as it is the booty we're talking about. 2 Chainz has his 2 eyez planted firmly on Big Booty's 2 bunz. And though this line is a little bit wonderful, mostly it's just dumb. And that poor girl. She has a name, you know! What would her father say?
4. J. Cole - "Dollar and a Dream III"
"I let you feel like the shit, but boy, you can't out-fart me."
I guess this line is supposed to be some kind of boast, but, honestly, can anybody explain what J. Cole is bragging about? Beyond fourth grade, your farting prowess is not anything to be particularly proud of. This line says nothing and fails on both the symbolic and literal levels. All it proves is that nobody can blow hot air like J Cole.
3. Lil B - "Ellen Degeneres"
"Swag, swag, swag, swag, bruh/Brang-dang-dang your girlfriend"
Seriously, how awesome is Lil B? Yeah, this is a stupidest lyrics list, and, yeah, this fully deserves to be in the top three, but you gotta respect the mind blowing levels of WTF-titude Lil B conjures with "Ellen Degeneres." Just utter nonsense. Unadulterated swag-babble. I mean, it's debatable whether Lil B is trying a lot of the time, but he's not even trying to try here.
2. R. Kelly - "Parachute"
"Somebody oughta tell her/Her ass got a voice, and she sing a capella"
It's called farting, Robert. And with your history (plus Dave Chapelle's awesome parody), you should just steer clear of talking about any bodily waste in your lyrics. I'm not sure whether this image of an ass singing a capella is supposed to be beautiful in some way or sexy. It lands well short of both.
1. Insane Clown Posse - "Miracles"
"Water, fire, air and dirt/Fuckin' magnets, how do they work?/And I don't want to talk to a scientist/Y'all motherfuckers lying and gettin' me pissed."
Fuckin' lyrics, how do they work? If you're doing it right, not like this. In "Miracles," ICP assumes the role of a couple toddlers first recognizing the wonders of nature. The difference between ICP and toddlers, though, is that toddlers will eventually go to school and learn the scientific explanations for said "miracles." To ICP, science is dishonest witchcraft, and the practitioners of such deceit should be burned at the stake. As such, wonders like genetics, metamorphosis and even "pet cats and dogs" will forever remain miracles to Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope.
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