Commentary

The Eight Worst Albums Ever: Let's Give Them a Second Chance

Reviewing music is, at best, an inexact science. You may say, "I don't like The Mountain Goats because John Darnielle's voice is annoying." I would respond with, "Fuck you, his voice isn't annoying at all, you just don't get it." That's pretty much divisive music discourse in a nutshell.

But that hasn't stopped us from critically evaluating millions of records. I ventured to Metacritic and found the worst of the worst. What is the absolute bottom tier of music, according to critics? Does it deserve to be there?

See also: The Ten Shittiest Nu-Metal Bands

8. Phil Collins - Testify

There is perhaps nobody more fun to bash than Phil Collins. Still, I like feeling that everything is going to be OK, so I like Phil Collins' music in all its oceanic, faux-epic, National Geographic glory. Do I have a reasonable argument for the stadium drums on the title track? Or a song title like "Thru My Eyes?" Not at all! But I don't care! Testify really isn't all that different from Bon Iver!

7. Viva Brothers - Famous First Words

If searching through the bottom of Metacritic's rankings will teach you anything, it's that being a mid-tempo guitar band and stumbling into a minor alt-rock radio hit is an absolute death knell for your band. There's no better example than Viva Brothers, a well-meaning British quartet that seems a lot like Bowling For Soup in their bullshit rock-mythologizing. They manufactured a flavorless single in "Darling Buds of May," which naturally forced a bunch of writers to cover the debut record. Viva Brothers were not ready for prime time, much less the collective disdain of a bunch of Bowie fan. Famous First Words is actually so derivative it's hard to disagree, but I think we can still feel bad for them.

6. Limp Bizkit - Results May Vary

You know what? Fuck this. I lived through the '90s, I remember all these rags taking Limp Bizkit uber-seriously. I remember seeing KoRn on the cover of Rolling Stone, man. Obviously nu-metal's cultural standing has taking a rather comprehensive beating over the last decade, but that's not necessarily because of the music.

I'm here to tell you that Results May Vary sounds exactly like the Limp Bizkit

you remember, except that it was released in 2003. You know, a year after Interpol made Turn on the Bright Lights. Hipness had moved on from the JNCO-panted rap-metal of the '90s and into the dusky black jackets of the early 2000s. Is Results May Vary good? No, but WHATEVER MAN. You know Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water? The Limp Bizkit album you probably bought from a Sam Goody? THAT GOT A 7/10 FROM SPIN! IT'S INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM RESULTS MAY VARY! NOW SOMEHOW IT'S ONE OF THE WORST ALBUMS EVER RELEASED???

I think it's high-time we admit that every music magazine in the universe is deathly afraid of looking uncool.

5. Lil Wayne - Rebirth

If you're unaware, this is Wayne's rock album. You can tell because he's holding a guitar in the cover image. I was really excited about the prospect of talking about how this album is actually good. Unfortunately I cannot do that, because this album is not good. There's a song called "Da Da Da" and it's like the worst N.E.R.D. song of all time.

There's a specific moment where you realize you need to prune the people you hang out with, because they might be empowering you to make awful mistakes. For Lil Wayne, it was probably around the time he was starting off rap songs with drum rolls.

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Luke Winkie

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