Alice Producer Mikey Goldenberg Wants Your Sponsorship

Mikey Goldenberg, the executive producer of the Alice 105.9 morning show starring jocks BJ, Howie & Jennifer, has come up with an idea perfectly calibrated for the post-Warhol age, when fame (of a sort) is available to anyone willing to post a video on YouTube of himself being injured in a comic way. Specifically, Goldenberg is offering himself up for sponsorship by any company out there; if he'd draw the line at something along the lines of, say, American Nazi Supply Ltd., he doesn't mention it. As a bonus, he's even come up with a slogan for the concept: "It Sounds So Stupid, It Just Might Work!!!"

Here are some excerpts from his online sales pitch:

Ok, so I’m no dummy. I understand that sponsorships are usually reserved for surfers & skaters, ballers & players, sports & movie stars and the whole lot of individuals who already have it made, and wake up everyday with the sun already shining on their rear ends. Now, ask yourself:

Are you a company looking for sponsorship? Do the groups named above not fit your style and vibe? Then, maybe some kind of arrangement can be made where you provide an up and coming "superstar" certain luxuries from your business, in exchange for the blatant and unabashed hyping of your product of service to everyone he encounters.

Think about it. Think about it again. Now realize that this has never been done, and you’re going to be a groundbreaking trendsetter among the millions of people you’re trying to reach everyday.

Think Jordan and Nike, LeBron and Sprite, Tiger and Buick, Paris and Hardees, Beyonce and Pepsi, Justin Timberlake and McDonalds, David Beckham and EVERYTHING he touches. I mean, Becks makes Sharpie cool!

Now, I understand that these people have star power and the law of attraction to that star says these relationships will inevitably be successful. I say star power is boring! Mix it up, will ya? Try something new?

This last question mark is a mistake -- either that or he'd already used up all his exclamation points. Then again, if Jared Fogle can become a spokesman for Subway despite being the least charismatic person on Our Fair Planet, Goldenberg's got a shot. And if it doesn't work, he can always hand BJ, Howie and Jennifer camcorders and ask one of them to kick him in the 'nads. -- Michael Roberts

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Michael Roberts has written for Westword since October 1990, serving stints as music editor and media columnist. He currently covers everything from breaking news and politics to sports and stories that defy categorization.
Contact: Michael Roberts