Dear Donald Trump,
I am a nobody. A single father who has delivered mediocre sex to a spectrum of women. Some you'd marry and some you'd (no doubt) call a fat pig or something close. Your words. Not mine. Ever.
Sorry to start with the perspective of my sex life. It's as gross and irrelevant as your opinions on immigration, but I'm doing it to make a bridge to your sex life, or at least how you see women and America.
You've done some outstanding things in your life. A lot of them, actually. You work hard. You're smart, shrewd and ruthless. We can argue all day as to whether or not you're teed up to do better than others because of certain societal constructs, but I won't do that. Let's give credit where credit's due: You're good at what you do (at least partially) because you have talent. Gifts. And because you really do have a steel to you that a lot of people do not. It separates you.
But I'm convinced that you wouldn't be in the position you were in without some level of sensitivity, humanity or ability to understand how people operate. Some people would call that sociopathy. I'll give you some benefit of the doubt. You're incredibly empathetic and aware, or you wouldn't be able to push people's buttons and perspectives. You're a master at understanding "how" we are as humans. You really are.
Unfortunately, you will not win this election unless you fix one thing. And that's really sad, because whether it's your xenophobic, irrational perspective on immigration and building a wall or that extended red herring of rationale that Mexico's leaders are smarter than ours that makes saying consistently racially insensitive or even racist things okay, you can overcome that.
America has proven time and again that it will elect and celebrate people who spout ignorance. You can get past that with a wink and a gun and key donations and kissing Mexican babies and taking kids on your airplane. Whatever the moves, you can likely bamboozle enough white people into coasting past that issue, because we're still confused in this country about what anybody other than white dudes can do in leadership positions. It's really weird. But that's where we are.
This arduous path to my point is called groundwork. Groundwork in the form of the reality that you are so completely outspoken on so many issues that we're almost numb to your erroneous barbs and ditherings. We see you as "doing" a character. The natural thought the audience has — that you can't possibly be serious about some of your opinions — draws us in.
As a guy who has the ability to get dates but is terrible at relationships, game respects game. Except it doesn't.
You will lose this election because of one thing: your insistence that it's acceptable to call Rosie O'Donnell a disgusting, fat pig.
It's too grand a brushstroke to ignore.
First of all, this is such an old joke. Rosie O'Donnell was an easier target when she was a super-public feature, rife with success and a television show and movies and some higher percentage of Hollywood power than she has now. Celebrities are fair game. It's part of the gig.
She's not really that visible now. Your youngest ten years of voters barely know who she is. But that's not where your issue is.
You will lose because despite your almost unlimited get-out-of-jail-free-cards charm, you talk about women like they're property or trash or an afterthought. Bullying Rosie is one thing. I get that you're really almost just branding yourself as a virile asshole that can get any woman he wants (even though that is patently untrue). Again, I'm sure you have a fuck-game playbook like Bill Belichick, but "fuck game" itself is a fun thing to joke about, not a framework to live by.
Rosie O'Donnell. A fat, disgusting pig. It doesn't matter what order you say it in. You are alienating, women and ... wait for it ... everyone else (statistically).
So first, women. It's obnoxious to bring this up, but math.
Half of the people in this country are women. Some of the people listening to you deride Rosie can forgive it because of my first comment about celebs being fair game. But then you went to a Fox News moderated debate (read: home turf) and you told Megyn Kelly that she had "blood coming out of her wherever" when she asked you a tough question.
I have to tell you, I don't really like Megyn Kelly. I don't like her because she's smart as hell but chooses to ascend in a culture that essentially votes against her own interest. I wish she'd go somewhere else. Anywhere else would have a star like her. But this is about you.
You showed your true colors in that moment, sir. At least that is what enough of America will think now. And that's all that matters.
I don't know you. I'm another guy writing my opinion over a cinnamon roll while my kids sleep. But I know that America will not let you get away with this from an election perspective.
A comic in Denver named Alan Bromwell has some great jokes about you being the perfect presidential candidate, because you're essentially a masthead of excess and casinos and unnecessary grandstanding. Your life and mouth scream, "Look at me! I'm the opulent architect of my own American dream."
I don't necessarily agree, but that's not the point. The point is, you just shit in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese at your own birthday party.
That "GOP Debate" has many people touting your swagger and even celebrating and furthering the momentum of the notion that you are a credible candidate. "Look out! Trump is bringing a new energy and fire," some will say. "He tells it like it is!"
Your defense of your comments about political correctness weakening America was tried once when the term was coined years ago, and it didn't work. You know why? Because being a sexist jerk isn't politically incorrect. We are moving past it as a species.
Women are not sex objects for your whimsy. Heavy women are not for you to call disgusting or pigs because they are heavy. Heavy people (statistically more than half of the country) are in the camp that you're deriding. Heavy people are eating at your casinos. You feed them.
You call Obama condescending and 'elitist' and out of touch. But you're the one getting a blow job at the top of your tower while you scoff at the people eating at the buffet trough 100 floors below at your casino.
This is almost exasperating to dissect. Let's go to the next level. Rosie O'Donnell. Why her? A relentlessly charitable lesbian who's been successful in all of her life's endeavors except marriage? It's just fucking old, man. Even the people in your age bracket don't think it's cool. Nobody with any intellectual capital or energy who has ever seen Rosie O'Donnell do anything in her life is like, "Yeah! Fuck that bitch! I hate how she is an advocate for children and equal rights and gave $50 million from her five-year contract to the All Kids Foundation after she used $3 million to establish that foundation from a book deal."
She is obviously the worst!
Attacking political correctness is your last vestige of sanctuary for these Rosie O'/Megyn Kelly attacks on women. Your last enclave of stomping your feet and saying, "I'm being persecuted for telling the truth!" But what truth are you telling? That Rosie O'Donnell is a fat, disgusting pig? That Megyn Kelly is probably irrationally on her hormone-induced period and therefore everyone should watch out until she's back to being a subservient cog in the Fox News right wing ignorance factory or someone you'd fuck?
Everyone in America has gay people in their family, whether they know it or not. It's 2015. Most people know it and are for it. You lost.
Everyone in America has "fat" people in their family. Tons of families full of men and women are fat. Statistically, it's a 100 percent fact. As true as all cars having radios or that those same people struggle with their self-image because you perpetuate the bullshit patriarchal endeavors like pageants that put them under your thumb so you can laugh at them, eat people's bones and throw them over your shoulder for the servants and then whine when you're questioned.
You crave power. If she's weak, you're strong. Except...
Everyone in America loves the women in their lives.
Sure, there are women who don't deserve your respect. Men, too. Everyone's a hypocrite. I certainly am. But I don't go around trumpeting how people that don't see eye to eye with me are disgusting, fat idiots. That's how people without money lose friends.
This Rosie-and-women stuff is your brand. You're bombastic and powerful and not supposed to care what people think.
But you're going to lose this election because of it. And for you, it's too bad. This was the year. People wanted to shove those other fifteen GOP dipshits into the background and essentially "Vote Arnold" on a national level because we fashion our land as a theme park that absolutely must look cool and serve 48-ounce sodas.
You blew it.
But this was never about winning the election, was it?
Because whether you win or lose, you win. You are relevant for at least ten more years, and that is why "The Art of The Deal" was a bestseller.
A guy once told me to be wary of superior salesman selling you on an idea that is against your interest.
We've done that with you for years.
You shit on everyone, and middle America just giggles and says, "What a character!" and continues to watch your lowest-common-denominator entertainment offerings and shop in your mausoleums of capitalist Chinese-made garbage so you can drink out of beautiful women's vaginas and laugh at people that aren't like you.
But you won't win this election.
Too bad none of this sentiment will even fuss you. Because you will turn this into leverage to finance a new golf course or get a new book deal or buy someone else's loyalty until you're done with them. This was always about staying in the news. And you're one of the best at that.
The "truth" is, at the end of the day, in your helicopter smoking a cigar on the way to the Kentucky Derby, you think we're all disgusting fat pigs. The Republicans who support you. The Democrats who despise you. To you, we're all here to suck your cock.
We'll be out here feeding your coffers so that you can entertain us until we wake up and actively choose to spend our money and attention somewhere other than your businesses and rubber-stamping your misogyny.
Despite your skills and even charitable donations, it's pretty crazy to think about what a disgusting, fat pig you are, sir.
Enjoy the swordfish and pussy today, Donald. You're killing it. Apparently.
Andy Juett is a standup comedian and producer and co-founder and owner of High Plains Comedy Festival (August 20-22) and Sexpot Comedy; he's currently starring in the new web series Glenn Has Idea$.
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