Usually when someone wants to commit armed robbery, he'll bring along a weapon that combines stealth, convenience and anonymity -- a small gun, for instance. Not so one enterprising Colorado Springs man, who this week brazenly robbed one area 7-Eleven store (and tried to knock over a second) armed only with a bat'leth, broadsword bringer of pain and standard weapon of choice for many an honorable Klingon.
The bat'leth bandit, as he's quickly become known, broke the warrior's code by using the storied blade for petty larceny -- and some experts even doubt the authenticity of the weapon in question. (No word yet from the Klingon High Council.) However, weaponologists agree that the regulation bat'leth measures 116 centimeters long and weighs over 5 kilograms. (Seems Klingons use the metric system, too.) That's not exactly the kind of shiv you can easily tuck away in your Diesels. You have to figure that either this guy was planning to transport to a nearby Bird of Prey or that our intergalactic buccaneer just doesn't get the whole stealth, convenience and anonymity thing.
I say, if you're going to bust loose with an odd and incredibly cumbersome weapon, why not stretch yourself? Granted, not everyone has a Death Star laying around that they can use to easily grab and knock off the nearest soft target. But you can improvise. Here then is a short list of random, ready-to-hand weapons that, while not terribly easy to lug around, might come in handy when you you want to shoot for thieving glory.
The Ultimate Wingman: Bring a Yeti. Doesn't hurt to have a partner in crime. True, keeping a smelly, hulking snow beast as your sidekick might be problematic if you're trying to make a fast getaway. Ah, but there's no better partner when planning the perfect heist than a good Yeti. They're ill-tempered by nature, you know. That the climate change is frying the planet only makes them extra crotchety in the heat of an exciting robbery. Send him in on point, let him bitch a bit about having to pay first at the pump, then roll in gangsta style. Pickings could not be easier, so long as you can keep your furry friend from humping the German Shepherd in the parked SUV outside.
Keeping it (un)real: A DIY Loc-nar. Bat'leths are nice and all, but they're a fiction of Hollywood. Outside of a Star Trek convention, you're not really going to pass for a mighty Klingon warrior. Instead, the everyman criminal could try wielding a Loc-nar, the mythical, glowing-green orb-O'-evil from director Gerald Potterton's 1981 cult animated classic, Heavy Metal. Don't have one handy? No worries. Our friends at slacktivate.com offer simple, step-by-step instructions on how to make your own. There's no guarantee you can summon the powers of chaos and destruction with it -- it's little more than an LED frozen inside a water balloon -- but you can hum that sucker like a Nolan Ryan fastball and do some serious damage. Only, lay off the plutonium nyborg to maintain accuracy.
Guitar Hero: A 1965 Fender Stratocaster. Not many of these left. But the way-cool factor alone is reason enough keep this ax on your back. Walk in smooth, like you're Johnny Cash. Folks will think you're just another rock star on parade. When the guy manning the counter asks you for an autograph, you can go Pete Townsend on his head and take the loot. Better still, if that six string is still in one piece, you can always busk outside until the cops show up and put some extra coin in your pocket.
The Killer Coif: Rod Blagojevich's Hair. It's removable -- didn't you know? Just like the headpieces from your little brother's Lego men. Now that the defamed Illinois governor has been ousted from office, he doesn't need to worry about presentation. Pop that mop top and flip it like a deadly projectile like Oddjob, the hat-throwing henchman and James Bond nemesis from Ian Flemming's Goldfinger. If you're lucky and it happens to fit, you can score bonus points by wearing the weapon as a disguise. Just make sure you feed it twice a day and change its box.
That's Some Wild Life: Badgers. These little balls of hate will mess you up. Remember to wear gloves and huck them quickly at your victim as you don't want them turning on you.
The Beating: Music Doth Savage the Soothing Clerk. Sonic weaponry has been around since the days of Jericho. But now that it's out that U.S. interrogators have used blasts of music to torture, er... motivate detainees at Guantanamo Bay, we know that music can do more than just bring the house down. Grab a behemoth boom box, the kind you need a back-brace to lift, load up endless loops of Barry Manilow, Cold Play or any song from Guns N' Roses wusstastic Chinese Democracy and crank up to eleven. If by some fluke your target is one of the three people living who actually likes this stuff, you can still maul him with D-cells and win the day.
Haunted Horse: DIA's Infamous "Mustang." Have you seen this thing? Violent, blue, rearing over thirty feet tall and with eyes of fire, this mad stallion is far more than an eyesore. Having murdered it's own maker, Luis Jimenez, long before it was even installed outside of Denver International Airport, some even say the heinous horse is the Satan. Okay, it's bulkier than a bat'leth. But if you can corral this bad boy and harness its nefarious powers, you could probably control the universe -- though just ripping off a couple of liquor stores would probably do. Bust in with hooves blazing and before long you could be riding into the sunset with the till in your saddlebag.
Promote Sports: Use an Athletic Supporter. Controversial, tough-love personal trainer and gym owner Michael Karolchyk fled Denver so quickly after his dubious chain of Anti-Gyms triggered an IRS probe that he likely left behind a few personal items. Root around his locker room until you find his still-steaming jock strap. Then grab one of the cupcakes Karolchyk used to throw at his clients and load that cup. Now think slingshot; think Michaelangelo's David; think of the smell that could wilt linoleum. Chances are, you're going to walk out the victor -- and you get a free cupcake for your trouble.
Casting a Wide One: Net Guns. If they were good enough for subduing hooligans at the 2002 and 2006 World Cup soccer matches, they're good enough to stick up a convenience store or two. Just the size of these things alone would be enough to put the fear into a clerk's eyes. Blast a round to bring him down, and you'll have that guy huddled on the floor, whimpering in a pool of his own urine. Best of all, the nets themselves double as a eco-friendly grocery sack, so make sure and grab some smokes and plenty of toilet paper while you're at it. If nothing else, you can always use the thing to snare yourself a Yeti. If you don't already own a bat'leth, that is.
I know it's not easy for a bad man to get noticed these days. And with mixed marshal arts on the rise and everyone toting around cell phones that can capture video, it's getting harder and harder to get away with delivering a genuine bat'leth beat down. One lone individual did manage it. But he was likely the last. Police, for all their bungling, are likely now on the lookout for any suspicious characters carrying around ten pounds of curved, alien steel. Time to stir the sediment in your brain, would-be criminals, and come up with something fresh, something bold, something that will land you in the annuls of Wikipedia before the day is over. If you do and you rob your local 7-Eleven, you just might find yourself immortalized. Keep in mind that you'll likely still have to pay first at the pump. Share your ideas for creative weaponology here.
Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.