We do so again in the case of Colby Messer — and we really, really mean it.
According to an arrest affidavit, Messer, a Canadian citizen, has been accused of sexually assaulting a woman he met in Denver with a telephone, a television remote and, most staggeringly, the base of a lamp.
The document, on view below in its entirety, notes that the incident took place between 11 p.m. on November 14, 2015 and 2 a.m. the following morning.
A woman told investigators with the Denver Police Department that she and a friend had made plans to go to the ViewHouse to watch a UFC fight. But as they walked down Market Street, they encountered two "attractive white males" from Canada who offered to buy them drinks at the Tavern, at 1949 Market — and they did.
From there, the group went to the Grand Hyatt Hotel, at 1750 Welton Street — although the details are a bit of a blur.
The woman said she didn't know how she wound up at the hotel, but she remembers being naked in a hotel room with three males as part of a very dark scenario.
An excerpt from the report: "The victim stated that she recalled that the male subjects were laughing at her and she recalled that the male subjects were talking about a hotel phone and she saw that the hotel phone was covered in an unknown substance.
"One of the male subjects told the victim that he had just taken the hotel phone 'out of her.'"
At some point, the woman saw her friend with another man. But she also remembered being in the room alone with the four men, who talked about "putting objects in her vagina."
Beyond the hotel phone, the items included a television remote and the base of a lamp with "tripod design legs."
When the woman made her report to the police, she stressed that she had not consented to what had been done to her.
During a search of the room in question, dried blood was found on the phone and the remote — and subsequent tests confirmed the presence of male DNA on them as well.
Police quickly learned the identities of the men who'd booked the room, and the woman picked out their Facebook photos from a lineup. (Messer's Facebook page is no longer online.)
Messer was arrested upon returning to the U.S. earlier this month. He flew into Las Vegas, where he was reportedly planning to propose to his fiancee.
Now, Messer is facing six counts of sexual assault. He made his first court appearance yesterday.
By the way, the Grand Hyatt sent a statement to 9News in which it acknowledged that the clean-up of the room where the incident took place had fallen short of its standards. But we're guessing investigators, and the victim, are happy that it did.
Look below to see Messer's booking photo, followed by the arrest affidavit and charging documents.