4

Cory Gardner: Is he a closeted ram handler?

^
Keep Westword Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Denver and help keep the future of Westword free.

Republican congressional candidate Cory Gardner may have a very colorful skeleton in his closet: As a student at Colorado State University, it appears he was an official Ram Handler, one of the chosen few in charge of primping and pimping the school's official mascot, CAM the Ram.

If that's the case, the big question that remains isn't why did he do such a thing -- but instead, why does he now seem to be hiding it?

I scored the tip a few weeks ago. "Cory Gardner was a ram handler!" whispered an anonymous source, making the words "ram handler" sound as dirty and inappropriate as possible. After I'd recovered from an adolescent fit of giggling, I got down to work with my crack investigative skills -- i.e., I Googled it.

Sure enough, a single relevant page seemed to confirm the rumor: A 2007 article in CSU's Rocky Mountain Collegian that's no longer available but apparently, according to Google's cache feature, contained the line, "Cory Gardner, a Colorado State Representative and former Ram Handler, said his time with CAM was great."

In other words, not only was Cory a Ram Handler -- grooming his fluffy coat, trotting him around at football games, feeding him piles of alfalfa -- but he also apparently enjoyed it! DUM-DUM-DUM!

With my dirt in hand, next I came up with some pointed CAM questions:

• What does CAM stand for? (Colorado A&M, CSU's previous name.) • What breed of domesticated sheep is CAM? (Rambouillet.) • How many teeth does CAM have? (Eight on the bottom, none on top.)

Finally, it was time to go straight to the source. I called Gardner's campaign headquarters and said I wanted to speak with the main man himself -- about some ram handling.

The guy on the other end didn't seem too phased. He even noted that he'd heard the rumor about Gardner's ram handling before. But Gardner would have to get back to me about it, he said, taking my number and promising a response.

Silence.

I waited three days, then called again. Another rep took my message and vanished into the ether. After more than a week had passed since the first attempt, I made one last, indignant call.

"No one has responded to my questions about ram handling!" I whined to the woman on the other end. It's not as if the candidate has anything better to do, like say, dealing with prominent campaign supporters who've been spouting incendiary comments about the president and race. Clearly, Gardner wasn't taking my story seriously... or maybe he had something to hide about his relationship with CAM!

I gave this third Gardner campaign worker an ultimatum. Either Gardner called me back within 24 hours or I'd be going public about his apparent shenanigans with a fluffy little friend.

"Sure, whatever" responded the woman. Clearly she, too, wasn't taking my threat seriously. Although now they'll all live to regret it, since nothing is going to stop me from shouting my discovery to the world:

Cory Gardner was a ram handler!

Not as if there's anything wrong with that.

Keep Westword Free... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Denver with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.

 

Join the Westword community and help support independent local journalism in Denver.