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Don't Tase Me Bro, September 19

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Here's a brief look at some of the items Americans are desparate to learn about today:

Don’t tase me, bro This story has been all over for days. A guy asks a screwball question to John Kerry at a speech and gets arrested and tasered for it. Ask a weird question to a U.S. Senator, get arrested and tasered. Isn’t America great? Particularly impressive is how everyone sits passively and watches. Good Germans, er, Americans, all. Still, I have to admit, I think anyone that calls anyone else “bro” deserves a shot or two with a taser.

Talk like a pirate day Avast, ye scalliwags! It be Talk Like a Pirate Day! Get off yer tails and scrub that aft deck or ye’ll be getting a taste o’ the lash and none o’ yer booty. Argh, matey.

Smurf name Apparently the 43rd hottest question in America today is “What is my smurf name?” I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. But, according to this website, my smurf name is Radioactive Smurf, so maybe I’ll just sit here and glow while my teeth and hair fall out.

Tom Scotto Tom Scotto is the man of questionable judgment who chose OJ Simpson as his best man, leading to his presence in Vegas and the “unpleasantness” that followed. My question is shouldn’t Scotto’s bride be a bit concerned about what might happen to her if Scotto grows disenchanted with their relationship?

Dan Rather News legend Dan Rather is suing CBS for $70 million for unjustly scapegoating and firing him in relation to the Bush National Guard story. This incident has led me to understand the difference between the liberal media and Fox. If you trust a questionable source and get the story on Bush wrong (say, about how well he appraised WMD intelligence) for Fox, you get promoted to White House press secretary. If you trust a questionable source and get a story wrong for the “liberal” media (say, about where he was during Vietnam), you get your ass fired. It’s all clear now. – Cory Casciato

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