Eight Reasons to Give Thanks That Gordon Klingenschmitt Lost the Primary

Today, we prepare to bid adieu to Gordon Klingenschmitt, who chose not to run again for his Colorado House District 15 seat and instead made a bid for a state Senate seat, then lost in last month's primary to comparably moderate incumbent Bob Gardner by over twenty points.

That landslide loss was well deserved: During his relatively brief time in state politics, Klingenschmitt has uttered a multitude of bizarre and often terrible things.

Now, near the end of his embarrassing and uncomfortable tenure in Colorado politics, we're sharing this rundown of things that we won't miss about Klingenschmitt.

Let us count the ways....

8. Giving Colorado a Bad Name on the National Stage

Earlier this year, The Daily Show eviscerated Klingenschmitt, introducing him as a “Colorado representative and Elmer Fudd lookalike.” (You know when a segment starts with an unfavorable comparison to a cartoon character that it's not going to be a puff piece.)

And then it went on to let Klingenschmitt hoist himself with his own petard, which is a euphemism that we imagine will have Klingenschmitt scurrying to the Internets to make sure it’s not some sort of homosexual thing.

So let us make it worse: Klingenschmitt has sacks full of petards, and finds himself hoisted with them constantly. It’s sort of his thing.

7. Looking Out for the Scouts

When the Boy Scouts of America finally decided to allow homosexual leaders in the organization, Klingenschmitt spoke out against it.

"If your boy is in one of those organizations, you should get him out of there," he advised. "It will lead to child abuse."

Should attention be paid to Scout leaders, regardless of their sexual orientation, to make sure that those put in charge of young lives are worthy of that trust? Of course. But given the clergy's collective history, maybe Klingenschmitt and others should stop throwing stones. (That suggestion is in the Bible, by the way, Mr. K, if you need some liturgical backup.) You really don’t want to get into a pot-calling-the-kettle-black thing when you’re talking about pedophilia.

6. Going by “Dr. Chaps” un-ironically

Goodbye, Dr. Chaps.

This nickname is likely a reference to Klingenschmitt's days in the Navy, and is probably short for "chaplain" or something. But in 2016, it sounds like the most cliché homosexual nickname in the world.

And so it's easy to imagine that, in those online video diatribes where he's spouting hate toward the "homosexual agenda" and Obama and liberals and whatnot while wearing a black blazer over a black button-down shirt...maybe from his waist down, it’s nothing but assless chaps. Because that’s sort of the way guys like Dr. Chaps go, right? (Any chance you know Ted Haggard, Gordon?)

5. Protecting Our Guest Bedrooms

Think fast: What’s the one room in the house you use as a dumping ground and don't do much with except occasionally dust — until you need to host family members once or twice a year? Yes, your useless guest bedroom, which is the one thing that Klingenschmitt wants to be sure we protect.

Because that’s definitely part of the gay agenda, to have sex in the guest bedrooms of small-minded Americans who will have absolutely nothing to say about it. We all know it. Our guest bedrooms are at risk. Our double beds and stiff pillow shams and occasional chairs are in peril. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!

Keep reading for four more things will miss about Klingenschmitt.

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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen