Lists

Eight Ways the Jinxed A Line Could Get Worse

We’re not one to believe in jinxes, but it sure seems like there’s some bad juju lingering around RTD’s vaunted A Line. The “Train to the Plane” was designed to connect the airport to downtown, with a few stops along the way that would make some neighborhoods (perhaps most notably Stapleton) more accessible. All well and good, right?

Not so fast (literally, in some cases). Between construction delays, constant and various breakdowns, signaling issues and being actually struck by lightning — twice — the A Line does seem to have been born under a bad sign.

Now comes the news that for the next eight weeks, including two of the busiest travel holidays of the calendar year, there will be “intermittent routine maintenance” on the A Line overnight, which will cause delays in the late evenings and early mornings. (Please pay no attention to the fact that the terms “intermittent” and “routine” are not exactly compatible.)

So what else could go wrong with the A Line at this point? The mind boggles…but let’s prognosticate.

8. Locusts
We’ve already had the lightning strikes, so we know that either Odin or Thor has a mad-on for the A Line. If we get more Judeo-Christian about it, there’s no reason to expect that the A Line will be spared a plague of locusts that could gum up the works of the train, chew up electrical lines and generally disgust riders step after crunchy step.

7. It Just Doesn’t Think It Can Anymore
We all know that the main driver of any train engine is sheer determination. After all these troubles and tribulations, it’s no wonder that the little A Line would get discouraged from getting over the slight incline from DIA to downtown. “I…think…I….” the little A Line will begin, and then will be heard to say, “Ah, fuck it.”


6. We Might Finally Develop Teleportation Tech

It would be just our luck. We pay for all these rail systems and finally get a mass transit system that approaches the ones that have been working in other major metropolitan areas for over a century, and all of a sudden the technology advances so that we can individually just – pow – be someplace. Granted, even if we developed this technology, it would probably be suppressed by oil and gas, the automotive industry and the corporate oligarchy, so the fate of the trains will be the least of our worries, sheeple.


5. Giant Carnivorous Subterranean Worms
If Tremors taught us nothing, it’s that when the Graboids attack — and attack they will, my friends — transportation is going to be one of the first things that will become less than safe. If roads and free-range vehicles can be dangerous, there’s no way for a track system like the A Line to survive, let alone operate on a schedule. On the bright side, we won’t have to worry about all that “intermittent routine maintenance.”

Keep reading for more ways the A Line could get worse.
KEEP WESTWORD FREE... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen