If the polls hold up and Barack Obama is elected president, among the first decisions he'll make is selecting his White House Press Secretary. It's also one of the most important decisions, because as President Bush has proven, the press secretary is fun and easy to fire when everything turns to shit.
Who will Obama choose? If history is any indication, he'll probably pick someone with "credentials," someone who's "smart" and “qualified” and "whiter than a Hills cast party." Which, of course, will be really, really boring.
So: Here are five better options. Got an even better one? Let us know.
5. Gina Carano (mixed martial artist, hot lady) In President Bush's fourth and final (?) press secretary, Dana Perino (a longtime Coloradan and Westword profile subject), he finally found the formula for a successful spokeswoman: a hot lady who will kick your ass if you cross her. And no one is more qualified in this regard than mixed martial artist Gina Carano. Imagine, if you will...
David Broder: "Gina, is it fair to say that President Obama's promise to reduce our dependence on foreign oil has been more difficult to fulfill than he expected?"
Gina Carano: (Glaring, silently pounding her fist into her palm)
Broder: "What I'm trying to say is..."
Carano: (Stepping out from behind the podium)
Jim Axelrod: (Pissing himself)
Broder: "Umm, what I meant to say is, I love your suit today."
Carano: "Why thank you, Dave. Helen?"
Helen Thomas: (Weeping uncontrollably)
4. Barack Obama (President) You want to cut spending? You can start by not paying $170,000 a year for someone to do your talking for you, Mr. Best Orator in the History of Ever.
Now, of course, this would limit the number of daily press "gaggles," since Obama will be busy solving global warming, rebuilding the economy and diving out of the way of sniper fire. But that's okay. Fewer gaggles will free up the White House press corps to do some actual reporting instead of their current routine, which is to sit in that little room waiting for the press secretary to say something interesting and then complain endlessly about how the spokesman never says anything interesting, amusing themselves by sneaking peeks down Perino's blouse and occasionally heading out to the White House lawn for a game of "Smear David Gregory."
It would also mark the first time the press briefings featured fireworks and F-16 flyovers. So that's cool.
3. Scott McLellan (former press secretary for George W. Bush)
He's done the job. He supports Obama. And, most importantly, he knows where all the coke is stashed.
2. Dr. Phil (fake TV doctor, Oprah's secret lover) Dr. Phil is by far the most realistic option, since everyone knows Obama had to promise Phil a job in order to gain Oprah's endorsement and therefore win the support of every woman the ages of 28 and 60.
He's also among the most fun possibilities.
Andrea Mitchell: "We understand that the President will meet today with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Were there any preconditions to that meeting?"
Dr. Phil: "Now look here, Andrea, it sounds to me like you've got some daddy issues. But let's put that aside and get down to the nitty gritty. Let's get real. You see Andrea, it's like I always say: You can put a rattlesnake on a rollercoaster, but when it gets off, it ain't gonna bake you a cake. You understand what I'm sayin'?"
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SHOW ME HOW
1. D.L. Hughley (comedian, host of CNN's Breaking the News, black guy) Well, he's qualified. Like Bush's third press secretary, the late Tony Snow, Hughley is a partisan commentator for a cable news channel. Unlike Snow, he will make jokes about Thomas Jefferson having three-ways in the White House, which would really bring back memories for Helen Thomas.
Most importantly, appointing Hughley will fulfill my ultimate fantasy should Obama win: an all-black White House.
Can you imagine the look on Ohio's face? -- Joe Tone