Poor Mike Pence. The vice president of the United States is headlining a Colorado Republican fundraiser on October 26, and apparently the state Republican Party is having such a hard time selling tickets that they're offering a "Groupon-like deal" to see him: $150 for one ticket or $275, the original price for a single ticket, for two.
“Due to popular demand,” Colorado Republican Party Chairman Jeff Hays wrote in an email to the Denver Post, “we have made more tickets available at a new lower price.” We can only assume that Hays wrote this with a straight face and no sense of irony whatsoever.
In the interest of helping both Hays and VP Pence fill the Denver Marriott Tech Center ballroom on October 26, perhaps we should turn to the examples provided by Ron Popeil and his infomercial ilk. Once you cut the price, what else can you offer to prospective customers to sweeten the deal and stimulate sales? Here are a few ideas.
8. The Buy-One-Get-One Deal Actually, the marketing gurus in the Colorado Republican Party have already done this, with the two-for-one deal. But they missed the real opportunity; when you get an extra bottle of Flex-Seal or an additional Glow Candle, those products you find very animated people hawking at 3 a.m., you have to “just pay separate shipping and handling” for the "free" gifts. Which sounds great, until you realize that the second shipping and handling charges almost double your initial cost. You missed the boat, Colorado Republicans. The giant shipping-and-handling money boat.
7. A Pence-Approved Abridged Bible
The Pence Bible retains all the stuff with the fire and brimstone, the arguably anti-homosexual content, and the wrathful and vengeful and pitiless God. But it conveniently edits out most of what Jesus said about camels, needles, rich men and heaven, not to mention loving your neighbor as yourself, and all that sort of libtard nonsense.
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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.