Commentary

Boebert Watch: Taking Aim at Shooters Grill

Lauren dreams of what might come after her propaganda-themed restaurant closes.
Lauren dreams of what might come after her propaganda-themed restaurant closes. YouTube
It was Lauren Boebert’s soapbox, the spot where she first gained notoriety, a place where gun worship came first and food service a distant second. Maybe third, behind merchandising.

And now, suddenly, Shooters Grill is gone.

In June, the gun-totin’ congresswoman told the Daily Beast that she and her husband, Jayson, had been served notice that their lease would not be renewed; the place officially closed on July 10.

Now that Shooters has shot its wad, what other kind of business could Lauren Boebert open as an outlet for her gun-nut-branded merchandise? Here are ten potshot ideas:

Gun Shop and Shooting Range
This is a no-brainer: Boebert is already known for her love of ballistic weaponry, and that’s a persona she’s carefully cultivated. Call it the Hell-No Gun Shop, and stock Christmas pistols and special firearms that boast the cachet of having been smuggled into the nation’s Capitol against all rules, decorum and common sense. She could even flip the Shooters Grill model, and instead of waitresses packing heat, she could have gals selling guns... with pancakes in their holsters.

Modeling Agency
Sure, Boebert is on record as vehemently denying that she had anything to do with SugarDaddyMeet.com (as American Muckrakers alleges), but she’s issued no such protest over the revelation that at one time she dreamed of being a model, actively maintaining an account on ExploreTalent.com and participating in a contest that advertised itself by asking, “Do you look in the mirror each morning and say ‘Whew! I am HOT!’” To which Lauren Boebert apparently said, “Hell, YES!” Parlaying her (hopefully) brief congressional career into a gig running a modeling agency seems like a perfectly logical transition for a legislator like Lauren Boebert.

Energy Consulting
Her husband can show her the ropes — especially if Boebert remains on (or retains her connections to) the House Natural Resources Committee. It's a win-win...as long as you don't consider the American people or the environment.

Interior Design Firm
Gun shrines are totally in, you guys. Office? Gun shrine. Living room? Duh. Bedroom? Keep things spicy. Kitchen? Same. Bathroom? Why not? If you're not decorating with deadly weapons, then you're against America.

An Anti-PAC PAC
American Muckrakers is going after Boebert hard, after it successfully played a part in far-right colleague Madison Cawthorn's primary defeat in North Carolina. Since some of the accusations have Boebert up in arms, lawyer style, why shouldn't she start her own PAC that goes after PACs that go after congresspeople like her? Someone has to defend the Paul Gosars and Matt Gaetzes of the world. (But seriously...not Marjorie Taylor Greene. That loon can go fuck herself.)

Bowling Alley
It's not just fun for the whole family — it's proof that Jayson can keep his tattooed dick in his pants.

Etsy Shop for Bullet-Casing Craft Items
You know what happens when you fire a gun throughout the day just because it’s your God-given right to do so? You end up with a lot of spent shells. A good shooter doesn’t leave their brass, but what do you do with it once you've picked it up? Why, make an ashtray! Or a fashionable bracelet! Or a portrait of Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump hugging!

Swagger Training Studio
Some studios focus on overall fitness; others train for a specific sport. Some offer karate or aikido lessons, others swimming classes. Yoga. Pilates. CrossFit. Lauren Boebert could corner the market on the fine art of the unearned swagger, instructing her students in the ability to strut down streets in a way that makes people step back and say, "Wow. Now there's someone who's really trying too hard."

GED Support
There's not much that Lauren Boebert is qualified to do outside of possibly running a restaurant (and her mouth), but she did get her GED right before she began serving in national government, so that's something, right?
Food Truck
Just as long as it's not BBQ pork sliders.

Updated on July 14: This story, originally published on June 25, has been updated to reflect the end of Shooters.
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Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen