More Messages: JonBenet Meets Seinfeld

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Just back from Boulder district attorney Mary Lacy's press conference, which was hurriedly scheduled following the arrest in Bangkok, Thailand, of John Mark Karr, who's been identified as a suspect in the 1996 murder of JonBenet Ramsey. The scene itself was quite comic, and I plan to write more about it in the future. But in terms of substance, here's what Lacey revealed to the assembled throng of press people from across the country.

Nothing.

Not a thing.

Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-thing.

Seriously -- nothing. Seinfeld was on the air for many years, and never did its producers and writers create an episode about as much nothing as this press conference.

For those who think I'm exaggerating, dig into the text of Lacey's comments, which is accessible here.

Thankfully, though, at least one noteworthy event took place for me personally. I've worked at Westword for nearly sixteen years, and today was the first time in my memory I got the chance to offer proof that I'm a reporter. A security officer stopped me as I neared a cordoned-off press area, apparently because I wasn't dressed like the rest of the media; instead of a glossy suit, I was clad in an ancient collared shirt, light-hued shorts and a pair of Allen Iverson signature Reeboks I picked up on discount at an outlet mall a few years back. An instant later, a nice lady wearing a "MEDIA LIAISON" badge asked if I was, indeed, a member of the media.

"I am," I said. "Want to see my press card?"

"Okay," Ms. Media Liaison replied.

With that, I reached into my pocket, and as I removed my long neglected Colorado Press Association card from my wallet, I told her, "I'm the media columnist for Westword. I get to write about how stupid all of this is."

"Oh," she said brightly, and granted me access to the forbidden zone. I felt special -- until the press conference started, that is.

What's changed since this case first made headlines? You guessed it: nothing. -- Michael Roberts