News

One-Armed Masturbating Construction Worker Catches Dave Letterman's Eye

Better late than never, I guess. To cap his "Small Town News" segment last night, Dave Letterman picked up a YourHub.com Wheat Ridge police blotter item from August of 2007. The original text from the article follows and Letterman's writer did nothing to change it. Some things are perfect on their own:

An off-duty police officer reported seeing a one-handed construction worker masturbating at a job site on the 4100 block of Youngfield Street at 1:56 p.m. July 9, police said. When police contacted the man at 2:42 p.m., he said it was "absurd" that someone accused him of masturbating, and he denied doing anything that could have resembled masturbation to passers-by, reports said. The worker's supervisor allegedly told police she didn't think the man could be masturbating because - having only one hand - he wouldn't be able to hold the stop sign and masturbate at the same time. The case was still open at the time of the report pending further investigation by police.

You can't make this stuff up. --Sean Cronin

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Sean Cronin