Next week's edition of The Onion will be the last in Denver, thanks to the Denver Post's decision to stop printing the paper. To mark this awful sign of the times, and to echo Onion CEO Steve Hannah's call for local readers to switch to the web version, we've photo-illustrated and compiled excerpts from our ten favorite online items that mention Colorado. You'll laugh 'til you cry, or you remember you won't be able to pick up a physical copy of the Onion anymore. Number 10: "Colorado Judge Imposes Ban on Same-Sex Friendships"
The controversial decision is based on the case of Greeley, CO, residents John Rooney and Frank Costanada, two friends who were planning a weekend rock-climbing trip to Yosemite National Park this July. After their travel agent informed local authorities that she suspected they were friends, a local appellate court blocked the trip, deeming it "wholly inappropriate."
"These two men were in great danger of enjoying each other's company," the judge said. "They may have attempted to communicate meaningfully with each other, shared stories and anecdotes, or possibly even engaged in physical contact, such as 'high-fiving' after a successful climb."
"Such behavior," the judge added, "is an abomination." (June 4, 1996)
"Each summer, the hippie herds migrate north to Boulder, wiping out 80 to 90 percent of the hummus supply of the regions through which they pass," National Park Service director Roger Kennedy said. "In certain parts of Colorado, by mid-August, the patchouli reservoirs are entirely drained." (December 9, 1998)
Continue to keep counting down our ten favorite Colorado mentions in The Onion. Number 8: "'Romney Murdered JonBenét Ramsey,' New Obama Campaign Ad Alleges."
"I think this is a fair ad, and I think Mitt Romney owes an explanation to the American people as to why he murdered JonBenét Ramsey," said Obama campaign manager Jim Messina, who called the commercial's black-and-white reenactment of Mitt Romney carrying a kicking and screaming child to her death "accurate." "Ultimately, voters need to know who they're getting with Mitt Romney: a job- and child-killing businessman who is so deceitful he won't release his tax returns or admit to a senseless murder that shook the nation to its core." (August 9, 2012)
"Take the Rocky Mountains, for example: There's plenty of rocks right there," Colorado resident Kyle Peters said. "It's our right as Americans to use as many rocks as we need for whatever purposes we decide, and no scientist is going to scare me into thinking otherwise." "This country was built on rocks," he added. "Remember that." (May 1, 2010)
Continue to keep counting down our ten favorite Colorado mentions in The Onion. Number 6: "Boulder, Colorado, Named Best Place To Raise Abducted Children"
The picturesque city of Boulder once again placed first in American Living's annual tally of the nation's 20 best places to raise abducted children, taking top honors for the third consecutive year.
"With plenty of cultural amenities, unsurpassed recreational opportunities, and an inviting lack of neighborhood watch groups, Boulder is the ideal place to raise a captive family," the magazine's editors wrote in a two-page feature spread. "The city is large enough for new residents to quickly blend in, yet small enough that one could easily track down a child who manages to escape from the attic crawlspace in the dead of night." (July 17, 2010)
"Despite the fact that over a century has since passed, a great deal of bad blood remains between these rival groups," said Regis University historian Dr. Kyle Larson, explaining that the full-scale war erupted after Denver officials sent an army of 40,000 soldiers into Baltimore to quell violent protests of Colorado's admittance to the Union. "The horrors of those barbaric times are forever woven into the history of these states." (January 12, 2013)
Continue to keep counting down our ten favorite Colorado mentions in The Onion. Number 4: "Colorado Wildfire Spreads To Moon" (News in Photos: October 16, 2010) Number 3: "Man Who Got 6-Figure Book Deal From His Tumblr Account Has The Fucking Nerve To Appear On National Television."
Infuriating tens of thousands nationwide, 26-year-old microblogger Travis Yates reportedly had the goddamn nerve to appear on Good Morning America Friday just days after signing a $400,000 deal to adapt his popular Tumblr account into a full-length book. "That rich little punk has the fucking stones to show up on my TV and talk about how many hits his stupid blog gets? What a dick," said Colorado resident Jason Stehmeier, 34, who added that it was common decency not to show oneself in public after lucking into something like that. "That guy needs to shut up, write the damn thing, and go away already." (August 12, 2011)
Continue to keep counting down our ten favorite Colorado mentions in The Onion. Number 2: "Aspen Police Continue Search For Missing Ski"
"We're doing everything we can to ensure the safe return of the ski, but as of now, we have very, very little to go on," said Pitkin County sheriff Joe DiSalvo, confirming the missing equipment is one half of a pair of Rossignol S80s belonging to a part-time Aspen resident. "The important thing is that we not panic. I assure you, we're using every resource at our disposal to find this ski and bring it home safely." (April 13, 2011)
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"Male voters from 18 to 85 were shown pictures of the candidates running in the midterms elections and then a picture of a naked lady," head pollster Gerald Walton said. "Across the board, they favored the naked lady."
"Even in highly contested Senate races in Colorado, Nevada, and Pennsylvania, it would have been a naked-lady sweep," Walton added. "And a naked woman would have easily been elected governor in all 37 states where the office was up for grabs." (November 11, 2010)