Ten Reasons Denver Is the Worst City for Dating

According to Brian Howie, the guy behind The Great Love Debate, Denver is the worst city for dating. Why? Because Denver dudes are lazy, and Denver ladies let them be. Howie says the GLD came to this conclusion about the Mile High City because “we travel a lot.”

The Great Love Debate will be at the Denver Improv at 7:30 p.m. on Wednesday, December 13, to further debate this subject — all in the spirit of entertainment. Regardless of its nature, the project raises an interesting possibility about dating in Denver: Is it as bad as Howie makes it sound? Probably, but not for the reasons Howie might think. Here are ten actual reasons dating sucks in Denver.

I'd break up with her, but her balcony is killer.

Tom Adamson at Flickr

10. Size matters
The hot housing and rental market in Denver has made it tough to find a nice place to hang your flat-screen and those posters you bought in college that make you feel like you’re moving up in the world because they’re now in plastic Target frames instead of being held up by push pins. So when you meet someone, it’s a big step when you finally see their place. Is it a top-floor apartment in Baker? A condo in Highlands Ranch near the light rail? A house in Thornton? What sort of lifestyle are you potentially buying into here? This is a big question, and it's related directly to the size (and location) of the living space in question. Can you date someone in Stapleton if you're a decidedly Cap Hill person? “Sorry, Zach. It’s not you. It’s your house.”

The one thing I look for in a relationship is a decent commute.

vxla at Flickr

9. Apartment envy
Or it could go the other way: You may never know if your romantic partner is staying with you because you’re their lobster or if they just really want to live in Highland and can’t afford it on what they make working part-time at REI.

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This man is so limber that he no longer has an actual front or back.

Kandara House at Flickr

8. The fitness requirements
Denver and all of Colorado is decidedly obsessed with fitness and the outdoors. But there are logical limits to what can be expected of the human body, and obsessive hatha yoga, pointless stair climbing and downing kombucha as though it’s not completely disgusting are way beyond the logical limits. Staying fit is one thing, and being healthy is important. But there’s a reason we invented the indoors: because it's better than the outdoors.

You know what this town needs? Another kind of beer.

Jessica Sheridan at Flickr

7. No one cares about home brew
Hobbies are good. We appreciate that you have a hobby. But please don’t make us drink your hobby and then pretend to like it. We get enough craft beer in Denver; it’s everywhere. Truly, everywhere. Everyone wants us to try their new beer. This one tastes like cherries, this one goes down like root beer. It’s December, so here's one that’s infused with gingerbread!

6. Entrepreneurism is out of fucking control
Sure, it’s good when your hustle is strong, but when everyone and their labrador retriever is “a creative” and has an Etsy store or a comic book they’re working on, it gets to be a little much. It gets tough spending most of your time supporting someone's dream of being the next famous so-and-so. What’s worse, most of these folks end up being a lot more Martin Shkreli than Mark Zuckerberg.

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How you doin'?

vanes_hud at Flickr

5. Skinny jeans? Still a thing.
This is just a bad idea in general. No one wants to see your junk. (This includes you, ladies.)

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Do you have any ketchup?

Kevin Poh at Flickr

4. Foodie culture
If you enjoy knowing from which region your balsamic comes, then you can stop reading this now. You’re part of the reason dating in Denver can be unnecessarily difficult. Do you prefer your persimmons farm-to-table? Are you still insisting that you enjoy kale? Does your popcorn come in ten flavors ranging from sweet to umami? Just stop it. You’re ruining everything.

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This next song is about craft beer and skinny jeans.

Hello Chaos at Flickr

3. Jesus Christ, is everyone in a band?
Yes. Yes, we are. And we’re playing the Lion’s Lair next Thursday, if you can make it. I mean, it’s only open-mic night, but we always have a strong crowd. I think we’re building an audience, I really do. It’s just a matter of time until the right person sees us, and then…BOOM. I can quit my job at the dispensary.

2. Been there, done everything
You might be able find some sheltered newbie who hasn’t been to Red Rocks yet, or hiked in Estes looking for elk, or had an ironic dinner date at Casa Bonita. But after a while, everything is old hat. Denver’s just big enough to feel big and just small enough to do it all after a short honeymoon period. And forget about trying to date anyone who grew up here. They’ll just spend the whole night telling you what the city used to be like, back in the good old days.

The Great Love Debate With Brian Howie Facebook Page

1. Too many dudes who think they’re funny
Don’t be that guy.

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