Ten Reasons Denver Is the Worst City for Dating

The least dramatic couple in Colorado say hi.
The least dramatic couple in Colorado say hi. Max and Dee Bernt at Flickr
According to Brian Howie, the guy behind The Great Love Debate, Denver is the worst city for dating. Why? Because Denver dudes are lazy, and Denver ladies let them be. Howie says the GLD came to this conclusion about the Mile High City because “we travel a lot.”

The Great Love Debate will be at the Denver Improv at 7:30 p.m. on Wednesday, December 13, to further debate this subject — all in the spirit of entertainment. Regardless of its nature, the project raises an interesting possibility about dating in Denver: Is it as bad as Howie makes it sound? Probably, but not for the reasons Howie might think. Here are ten actual reasons dating sucks in Denver.

click to enlarge
I'd break up with her, but her balcony is killer.
Tom Adamson at Flickr
10. Size matters
The hot housing and rental market in Denver has made it tough to find a nice place to hang your flat-screen and those posters you bought in college that make you feel like you’re moving up in the world because they’re now in plastic Target frames instead of being held up by push pins. So when you meet someone, it’s a big step when you finally see their place. Is it a top-floor apartment in Baker? A condo in Highlands Ranch near the light rail? A house in Thornton? What sort of lifestyle are you potentially buying into here? This is a big question, and it's related directly to the size (and location) of the living space in question. Can you date someone in Stapleton if you're a decidedly Cap Hill person? “Sorry, Zach. It’s not you. It’s your house.”

click to enlarge
The one thing I look for in a relationship is a decent commute.
vxla at Flickr
9. Apartment envy
Or it could go the other way: You may never know if your romantic partner is staying with you because you’re their lobster or if they just really want to live in Highland and can’t afford it on what they make working part-time at REI.

click to enlarge
This man is so limber that he no longer has an actual front or back.
Kandara House at Flickr
8. The fitness requirements
Denver and all of Colorado is decidedly obsessed with fitness and the outdoors. But there are logical limits to what can be expected of the human body, and obsessive hatha yoga, pointless stair climbing and downing kombucha as though it’s not completely disgusting are way beyond the logical limits. Staying fit is one thing, and being healthy is important. But there’s a reason we invented the indoors: because it's better than the outdoors.

click to enlarge
You know what this town needs? Another kind of beer.
Jessica Sheridan at Flickr
7. No one cares about home brew
Hobbies are good. We appreciate that you have a hobby. But please don’t make us drink your hobby and then pretend to like it. We get enough craft beer in Denver; it’s everywhere. Truly, everywhere. Everyone wants us to try their new beer. This one tastes like cherries, this one goes down like root beer. It’s December, so here's one that’s infused with gingerbread!

6. Entrepreneurism is out of fucking control
Sure, it’s good when your hustle is strong, but when everyone and their labrador retriever is “a creative” and has an Etsy store or a comic book they’re working on, it gets to be a little much. It gets tough spending most of your time supporting someone's dream of being the next famous so-and-so. What’s worse, most of these folks end up being a lot more Martin Shkreli than Mark Zuckerberg.

KEEP WESTWORD FREE... Since we started Westword, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Denver, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Teague Bohlen is a writer, novelist and professor at the University of Colorado Denver. His first novel, The Pull of the Earth, won the Colorado Book Award for Literary Fiction in 2007; his textbook The Snarktastic Guide to College Success came out in 2014. His new collection of flash fiction, Flatland, is available now.
Contact: Teague Bohlen