Stop or I'll Squirt
A masked gunman wearing a stocking cap and a ski mask stole twenty head of cattle from a Weld County dairy farm. The daring raid took place at 3:45 a.m. while a milker was working in the barn. "He held the gun on him and told him to just keep right on milking," the farmer told police.

But He Aced the Written
The Denver driver's license office on West Mississippi Avenue was closed temporarily after someone drove a car through the front of the building.

The Nurse Later Treated Three Boys for Hair on Their Palms
Drug-sniffing police dogs searching lockers for cocaine at a junior high school in Fort Collins found only chewing tobacco and a copy of Playboy magazine. Said the school principal, "We were disappointed on the one hand and glad on the other."

Point of Order!
A former vice president of the student body and two student senators at Metropolitan State College were arrested after an alleged attempted burglary at the Tivoli Student Center. One of the men was hiding in a closet when arrested.

He Can Forget About a Tip
A Denver man's plan to rob a King Soopers store and make his getaway in a rented limousine went awry when the limo driver refused to pull out of the parking lot.

For Members Only
A nineteen-year-old Colorado Springs woman was arrested and charged with criminal impersonation after she dated a fifteen-year-old girl while masquerading as a seventeen-year-old boy. The younger girl's mother said her daughter was convinced she had had heterosexual intercourse with the older woman. "I don't know whether [police] have the exact object," said the mother. "Whatever it was, it fooled her pretty good."

A teenage girl in Boulder insisted to police that she had performed oral sex on and had intercourse with her boyfriend, Tony, who is actually a woman. The girl refused to believe that Tony wasn't a man, even though she was present when several of Tony's relatives referred to him as "Rebecca." Tony told police she sometimes placed a rolled-up sock in her pants to simulate a penis.

Officers on Patrol, Part I
A Nederland officer was arrested for investigation of vehicular assault and driving under the influence after he drove his car off the road into a rock wall. At the time, his boss, the town marshal, was awaiting trial on a misdemeanor charge of second-degree official misconduct.

Fry Her!
A fourteen-year-old McDonald's employee was charged with theft after giving away a strawberry shake, an apple pie and a cup of hot chocolate to two friends. The value of the stolen goods was estimated at $2.68.

Somebody Call a Kindergarten Cop
Police called to a suspected break-in at an elementary school in Lakewood found three suspects inside, ages eleven, eight and three. The youths were taken into custody and accused of stealing eight red pens.

It Was All Downhill From There
A skier at Copper Mountain survived being buried in an avalanche mistakenly touched off by the resort's ski patrol. Shortly afterward, the state highway department closed the road through Berthoud Pass when it accidentally started its own avalanche with a controlled blast.

The Ol' Ball and Chain
A Littleton man was arrested after allegedly committing a string of robberies, including daring stickups at two supermarkets. Police said the robber was apparently lovesick over a breakup with his wife and thought he could win her back by showering her with gifts. The suspect was arrested--while making a car payment on a vehicle he had purchased for his wife.

Officers on Patrol, Part II
A Hugo man injured when his car collided with a parked road grader was hit broadside minutes later by a state trooper rushing to help. Authorities said they weren't sure if the victim died from the collision with the road grader or the patrol car.

Chicks Can Be a Real Drag, Man
Arvada police arrested a 24-year-old man on assault charges following a wild spree in which the suspect and a friend got drunk, purchased two live chickens, stuffed the birds in the trunk of their car and drove around town. The defendant allegedly shot his buddy in the hand during the trip; the chickens were released unharmed.

The Way to a Girl's Heart Is Through Her Stomach
Officers who arrested a 41-year-old Alamosa woman for allegedly shooting her boyfriend to death found a cooking pot and a spoon containing bite-size chunks of tissue that "showed signs of human origin" in her apartment. Evidence indicated that the woman preferred leg meat.

WRPD Blues
A Wheat Ridge man called police to ask if they would let his dog outside to go to the bathroom.

A Wheat Ridge woman called police to report that her toilet had overflowed.
A Wheat Ridge woman called police to report that she had been overcome by bleach fumes while laundering her socks.

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