When RTD’s “Dumb Ways to Die” ad campaign got a little too real — it’s tough to laugh at little Edward-Gorey-meets-balloon-animals when there are people actually dying on the tracks — the signs on many of the trains were switched to a new concept: Don’t Be Jimmy.
Jimmy is apparently a cartoon refugee from a cubicle farm somewhere (thus the short-sleeved button-down) who makes bad choices on mass transit. Among other obnoxious things, Jimmy leaves trash on seats and blasts loud music without headphones on and sings (though at least he has the good sense to sing the epic opening to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”).
Clearly, Jimmy has some issues, and they can’t logically be limited to his behavior on RTD — which poses the question: What other ways should we all strive to be unlike Jimmy? Lots of ways, including these ten.
1. Jimmy Refers to Himself in the Third Person
Did George Costanza teach us nothing? Referring to yourself in the third person is just a good way to piss off those around you, who recognize it as an annoyance at best, and at worst, evidence of complete and utter solipsism. There is no good that can come from this terrible habit of forced perspective. It leads to pronoun confusion, questions of identity and, eventually, if there is any justice in this world, the quiet but firm shunning by those around him. Don’t be Jimmy.
2. Jimmy Believes Facebook
Jimmy is on Facebook for most of the day — at work, on his smartphone, anywhere. And he believes every post, and makes up stories about his own Jimmy-life to competes with the relatively-imaginary existence of other Facebookers. Jimmy takes this digital life very seriously. He believes that all his “friends” are really his friends. Jimmy misses Mafia Wars and Farmville. Jimmy still pokes people. Don’t be Jimmy.
3. Jimmy Ignores the Rules of the Road When He’s on His Bike
Jimmy always has the right of way, or at least acts as though he does. He blows through stop signs, he ignores red lights, he takes up a regular lane even where there’s a bike lane, and if anyone in a motor vehicle dares to tap their horn to remind Jimmy that, hey, there are rules that we’re all supposed to follow, Jimmy gives them the finger. Don’t be Jimmy.
4. Jimmy Leaves His Dog’s Poop for Others
Jimmy has a dog because he thought it would help him seem more attractive. Jimmy doesn’t care much about the dog, and doesn’t want to bother cleaning up after him when Jimmy takes him on the occasional resentful walk. Jimmy doesn’t care that leaving his dog’s poop on the sidewalk is just nasty, and rude to everyone else in the world. Here's what’s worse: Jimmy’s dog? Also named Jimmy, because it’s all about Jimmy. Poor Jimmy’s dog Jimmy. Don’t be Jimmy.
5. Jimmy Eats Edibles Irresponsibly
Jimmy wants to try some pot edibles, but he doesn’t want to listen to the good and knowledgeable folks at the pot shops who tell him how to use them responsibly. Jimmy doesn’t like reading the instructions or doing any research, either. So Jimmy eats a whole bar of pot-infused peanut brittle. When he feels nothing immediately, he eats another one. Jimmy is flying high for almost a day, and misses work because he believes U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions is on his front porch and wants to arrest him. Jimmy blames the pot industry. Don’t be Jimmy.
Keep reading for more reasons not to be Jimmy.
6. Jimmy Still Wants to Give Trump a Chance
Jimmy thinks every president should be given a chance to prove himself. Jimmy doesn’t think there should be a time limit on that. Jimmy just wanted to vote for Trump to “shake things up.” Jimmy doesn’t really have an opinion outside of that, but really hopes that his dad won’t lose his Social Security and Medicare. Jimmy hopes that his pre-existing condition, entry-level salary and pending student-loan debt won’t ruin his life, and chooses to believe that everything will be okay, against all evidence to the contrary. Jimmy is okay with cognitive dissonance, mainly because he doesn’t understand cognitive dissonance. Don’t be Jimmy.
7. Jimmy Wears Tight Shirts and Flip-Flops on Weekends
Jimmy is clearly from the suburbs, but he dresses like The Situation and hangs out on Market and walks as though his lats won’t let him put his arms all the way to his side. Jimmy wears a cotton shirt that is just a little too short so everyone can see his hipbones. Jimmy likes doing abs, but likes even more to talk about how much he does abs. Jimmy likes to fight when he’s hammered, because Jimmy likes to think he can hold his liquor. (Jimmy prefers Jaeger.) Don’t be Jimmy.
8. Jimmy Drives Like an Asshat
Speaking of liquor, one of the reasons Jimmy takes RTD in the first place is that Jimmy has lost his license too many times to count. Jimmy is a bad driver in a lot of ways. Jimmy passive-aggressively slows down in the left lane. Jimmy speeds up to the front of a merge lane because he’s in a hurry. Jimmy thinks turn signals are lame. Jimmy blasts his radio with the windows down. Jimmy turns left on Colfax wherever he wants. Jimmy passes on the shoulder. Jimmy indulges in road rage. But most of all, Jimmy thinks alcohol is safer than marijuana, and has gotten pulled over for driving while intoxicated too many times even for those agencies that advertise during Judge Judy. Jimmy thinks Judge Judy would like him. In this, Jimmy is wrong. Don’t be Jimmy.
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9. Jimmy Doesn’t Like People Who Aren’t Like Jimmy
Jimmy has a skin color. Jimmy has a set of religious beliefs. Jimmy has a political point of view. Jimmy has a sexual preference and a gender. Jimmy doesn’t like anyone who isn’t like him. More to the point, Jimmy doesn’t care what happens to those who aren’t like Jimmy. Jimmy wants to “make Jimmy great again.” Jimmy is okay with the suffering of any and all non-Jimmys, because Jimmy reads the line “Love thy neighbor” as “Love all the Jimmys.” But what will Jimmy do when, after they’ve come for all the non-Jimmys, they come for the Jimmys? Jimmy chooses not to think about that for now. Don’t be Jimmy.
10. Jimmy Thinks Jimmy Is Awesome
Seriously. Don’t be Jimmy.