’s “Dumb Ways to Die” ad campaign got a little too real — it’s tough to laugh at little Edward-Gorey-meets-balloon-animals when there are people actually dying on the tracks
— the signs on many of the trains were switched to a new concept: Don’t Be Jimmy
Jimmy is apparently a cartoon refugee from a cubicle farm somewhere (thus the short-sleeved button-down) who makes bad choices on mass transit. Among other obnoxious things, Jimmy leaves trash on seats and blasts loud music without headphones on and sings (though at least he has the good sense to sing the epic opening to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”).
Clearly, Jimmy has some issues, and they can’t logically be limited to his behavior on RTD — which poses the question: What other ways should we all strive to be unlike Jimmy? Lots of ways, including these ten.
1. Jimmy Refers to Himself in the Third Person
Did George Costanza teach us nothing? Referring to yourself in the third person is just a good way to piss off those around you, who recognize it as an annoyance at best, and at worst, evidence of complete and utter solipsism. There is no good that can come from this terrible habit of forced perspective. It leads to pronoun confusion, questions of identity and, eventually, if there is any justice in this world, the quiet but firm shunning by those around him. Don’t be Jimmy.
2. Jimmy Believes Facebook
Jimmy is on Facebook for most of the day — at work, on his smartphone, anywhere. And he believes every post, and makes up stories about his own Jimmy-life to competes with the relatively-imaginary existence of other Facebookers. Jimmy takes this digital life very seriously. He believes that all his “friends” are really his friends.
Jimmy misses Mafia Wars
. Jimmy still pokes people. Don’t be Jimmy.
3. Jimmy Ignores the Rules of the Road When He’s on His Bike
Jimmy always has the right of way, or at least acts as though he does. He blows through stop signs, he ignores red lights, he takes up a regular lane even where there’s a bike lane, and if anyone in a motor vehicle dares to tap their horn to remind Jimmy that, hey, there are rules that we’re all supposed to follow, Jimmy gives them the finger. Don’t be Jimmy.
4. Jimmy Leaves His Dog’s Poop for Others
Jimmy has a dog because he thought it would help him seem more attractive. Jimmy doesn’t care much about the dog, and doesn’t want to bother cleaning up after him when Jimmy takes him on the occasional resentful walk. Jimmy doesn’t care that leaving his dog’s poop on the sidewalk is just nasty, and rude to everyone else in the world. Here's what’s worse: Jimmy’s dog? Also named Jimmy, because it’s all about Jimmy. Poor Jimmy’s dog Jimmy. Don’t be Jimmy.
5. Jimmy Eats Edibles Irresponsibly
Jimmy wants to try some pot edibles, but he doesn’t want to listen to the good and knowledgeable folks at the pot shops who tell him how to use them responsibly. Jimmy doesn’t like reading the instructions or doing any research, either. So Jimmy eats a whole bar of pot-infused peanut brittle. When he feels nothing immediately, he eats another one. Jimmy is flying high for almost a day, and misses work because he believes U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions is on his front porch and wants to arrest him. Jimmy blames the pot industry. Don’t be Jimmy.
Keep reading for more reasons not to be Jimmy.