The Onion, the satirical publication that calls itself “America's Finest News Source,” features edgy and humorous takes on everything from pop culture to politics. Its articles, structured like real news pieces, may include made-up quotes from fictional sources or Photoshopped images, but they still often speak truths, or at least riff on widely accepted stereotypes.
On Thursday, June 22, the Onion trained its sights on a company familiar to many in Colorado: Frontier Airlines.
The satirical article about the Denver-based airline was posted to the Onion's front page, and it was rather brutal. It's no secret that Frontier is a no-frills budget airline that's recently struggled with delays, winter storms and low (actually, the lowest) customer-service ratings. Given that, here's what the Onion had to say in a piece titled “Frontier Airlines Tells Customers to Just Fucking Deal With It”:
DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it. “I get that you’re cramped and miserable, but if you just shut the hell up and sit there for a few goddamn hours, you’ll soon be at your destination,” said CEO Barry L. Biffle, urging passengers to suck it up and quit whining so the flight could get on its merry fucking way. “Who gives a shit if you have no leg room and the seats are stiff? Soon you’ll be 800 miles from where you are now, and it’ll be like the last two hours of your life never even fucking happened. You’re the ones who wanted to save $150, so you’re welcome, assholes.” Biffle added that he didn’t want to hear any bitching and moaning about wanting in-flight food options, because everyone can just stuff their stupid faces when they land.
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Westword has reached out to Frontier Airlines; we'll update this article if we receive a response.